I think that's what life does to you, subconsciously, these things don't matter anymore. So long as you're up and awake in the morning with one or two things in tow for the day - life is okay. And okay is honestly, good enough.
But this year, unlike the year before and the other years before it - came forcefully. At least in my lifetime. January jolted, February fazed but it was March that made everyone remember this truly iconic moment in our life. It made most of the world turn into a standstill. I had just came back from a 10 days trip to Melbourne + Adelaide Australia, and grazed many airports, many international airports in fact - and arrived home safely only to face the music my workplace or nation was facing.
Every month became more uncertain than the one before. March came. Day by day, the pandemic demanded more from us. More attention, more action, more loss. Within days, many have succumbed to it. Within weeks, much more crippled. While some of us read the news in helplessness, much more became the news.
By May, it was no longer amusing. It never was since the beginning, but this was unprecedented so I did welcomed and embraced the stay at home orders from the government the first few months like many. After all, my instagram was beaming, people populated Tik Toks, and there were just so many entertaining things to watch and see online that days passed slowly but surely.
I lived with my mum, in a shelter many think more comfortable than others. But truth is, we were all fighting our own demons even on the most comfortable of beds. Personal income for me, managing my own commitments, and mental health where work from home aggressively became part of life.
My mum were getting restless at the fact that mass services are now online, but we abide. Weeks later, we slowly accepted the new norm and even preferred going online on certain occasions. When they finally reopened church, it felt like it was another lifetime. It was organised, new and a little weird. Hugs became past memories.
And my sister was a frontliner. Working like norm in the food manufacturing industry.
By August, more restrictions were lifted. I was a lose cannon, I arranged trips after trips, within days from one another excited to just go out there and do things. Do anything! I told myself, I am helping the economy. We even celebrated my sister's birthday in a resort. I am helping these people. I am helping me... I was my home's biggest promoter. I made sure I know enough information, so when people ask me - I would be equipped. I would be happy to answer.
August and September were hopeful. Falsely hopeful, but hopeful. So we go by our day. We enjoyed it like we last remember, maybe even forgot about all the SOPs and social distancing that we have chanted everyday previously. Come end September, right after the controversial state election, I was ready to celebrate my birthday.
I had so many plans, fly to KL - go to Ipoh. Discover the nightlife in Ipoh, meet all my KL friends. Stay in a Suite. Alas, plans are just plans. Within days right after the elction, things took a drastic turn and dramatically. All the false hope, the things we kind of predicted would have happened, happened.
We went into a second stay at home orders.
They put up all the regulations back. No movements, no non-essential business. As my phone beeps with notifications, I stood there in my towel bathrobe in the cold and fluff of the bed blankly staring at the tv but not comprehending at the news all around me. The statesmen did possibly everything wrong SOP wise in the election, and we are to pay for it?
Sigh.
The first thought I had in mind was; this will break so many companies, institutions and most importantly - individuals. Lives that truly matter will be broken. I am sorry. A part of me is so very sorry, I don't know.
I was a bottle of so many mixed emotions, that I really, wanted to lie down. There was a sense of guilt for going out there and voting in pandemic, and happy because it's finally my birthday, and then broken - unknowing of what is to come.
In its simplicity, uncertainty yet dramatically - this was the most memorable birthday I've ever had. Took me days to sink in, I couldn't even responded to some because my mind was all over the place.
Thank you to those who've wished me, my love is to all of you. That you may always be surrounded with your loved ones and are healthy, both physical and mind. We will seize through this, just happy to be alive and living.
This post is dedicated to my friend Nurul, who loved reading my blog and always comment on my posts whenever she could. I know I did not mentioned you at all, but I believe your legacy is to encourage living. I will absolutely miss you. Enjoy the peace you have now.
Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.
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