Friday, March 21, 2008

tired

2.47 Am.

The baby sister is sleeping next to me, and the tv is purposely switched-on to accompany me. This feels more like writing a journal. It's personal and moody this time.

The unusual Jacqkie is talking, for at the moment I'm currently feeling a-bit, sad. I have so many things going through my mind, it saddens me to realize that in time, I wont have any more of my favourite things. Things will change and only I should and can reinforce the changes. I decided to put myself in a sacrificial mode, that things change because I want things for the better, and let it bloom from where I stopped.

I feel hopeless, and speechless of what people sees me as. I'm experiencing low-self esteem, still in disbelief, and really understood now what people meant by the three simple yet very true words, "You don't understand." Clearly, no one really gets what you mean, hurts more when you know no one, really no one, believes you.

I tried making sense of the things that happened to me, and why out of the hundreds- they chose me and not anyone else, but apparently still no one sees it as I do, so I gave up trying to make myself heard, kept my mouth shut when this rose, and consequently lost a part of my confidence along the way. I no longer have faith in what I do, feels like I'm on a leash and let people pull me.

Will things be different now, or will it be predictably the same? Feels like I'm in a never ending ferris wheel whenever this case is re-opened. No one really knows, worst- I've lost faith in me, I'm tired to argue.

Dear God, I beg you, please-please tell me that what's said is really what's meant and what's done is for the better. Give me fruitful results, I'm in great dissapointment, in where I thought what they see is what they'll get, but just realize it no longer works that way when other person is involved. I'll tweak myself - to fit the holes and hopes hard, that maybe it wont give me another dissapointment. Please.

Love,
Jacqkie.

2 comments:

Shaneil Devaser said...

And since what's been said is so abstract.. I'll pray for you asking God what it is to pray for cause He knows all.

Praying may be under-informed :)

But if all fail to understand, give me a shot :)

We're all missing you over here. I went to TCPJ on Monday and was like, "Where's Jackie?" and everyone was like, "She's at Sabah!" and then I was like :(

:)

Jacqkie! said...

Shaneil: Hehe, Thanks for your sweet concern. Appreciate it.
I purposely make it abstract, no one should know :P