It's 2018, and I can be anything

Awkward, tomboy, too intellectual, private, tough. 

When I was a little girl, I remember having to state my case to my mum on wanting to let my hair grow long. It has always been a short bob, mum thought it was more tidy that way. But by 11 years old I grew absolutely bored of it, and simply thought I could do more things with longer hair.

Braids, buns, ponytail, style, plenty! 

Dad said yes without second thoughts, mum swore by how difficult and uncomfortable it would be for me; having the need to do hair my up every single morning, or brushing it neat every day. And she was right, there were many days when school asked me to tie my hair up in braids, only to find no one to help me at 5am in the morning!

Luckily, my aunt nally was an angel in the form of a braids' specialist lol 😋 But that would mean, I needed to walk to her house in the dark and waited to be braid by her very early in the morning. And then, I look in the mirror, twirl my braids and absolutely loved it. I smiled and thanked her good day! Lovely days.

19 years later, I've never had my hair short again. Ever.

But I am more rugged than ever. I absolutely love adventures. I thrive for things that are eye-opening, new, and sometimes a little off beaten. I like to be the first to try, eat new food, meet new people, learn new stuff. The more unusual they are, the more I love them!

While decidedly so, I asked many people to join my adventures. Most wary, some uncertain. Because of that I pursue my adventures and endeavors, with or without company. Mostly without because everyone was just too slow! So they see me going, and asked me how it was after I'm back. So I share. Sometimes boring myself with my stories to people. They will never know, I think. And people never listen. 

I fight for the many things I believe in passionately, and compassionately. Mum calls me idealistic, how can I not in a world that can be so treacherous.

In one seating, I would want to do 3 things at once. Thinking about my project in A, creating something in B, and developing C. While I work on all of them tirelessly without sharing entirely to anyone. Again, they will never know. I nailed some plywood while going to many events. If around the table, I would talk about the war in Palestine, pop cultures, makeups, the ingredients of a delicious meal, new cars.

I am a broad book, a very well read one too, love having to be able to discuss about the world, about the self, about the community, about the sun, anything and everything. And many regarded that as overt, leaving me wonder, my entire life - what is to be a "woman"?

Could I not have my pearl earrings and long hair flowing from my face, and still take on the lost valley adventure in my muddy shoes, or dress in flats, in my slit skirt while talking about cartoons and politics the same time? Could I not be smart, and silly, and absolutely awkward in the face of public even-though my job is to always talk to people? Could I not be laid-back, and driven the same time? 

Growing up in the 90s, there were probably some "boxes" to put woman or man in, but as this life unfolds itself, in 2018 the boxes are slowly fading away making it even easier or harder (you decide) to connect with people. Previous woman's box would probably be long hair, domesticated, maybe even simple. I don't know. 

Man's would be strong, tough, rugged (also don't know). 

But today it's 2018, you can be a man and be sensitive, and still not necessarily be rugged and much more layers of many things. You can be a woman, and not wanting to cook, or loves the outdoor. You can, be many things.

I only truly, really accepted and realize this just recently. Yes I've fought the idea of what a lady or woman should be with an ingrained tough personality and the way I look, my whole life, but it took me only - forever - to say this, and truly say this;

I can be anything. I truly can 💖

I can be an adventurer, domesticated, beautiful, rugged, tough, and kind, and simple, and adventurous, and dreamy and ambitious, and sporty, and lady like, and awkward and confident, and successful and broken all at the same time.

Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.


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