Gloomy Episode, House Pt 1

Had to get a lot off my chest lately.

The couple of weeks have been very painful for me, mainly because of stress. 

None of that ex-boyfriend BS, nor loneliness (possibly – but right now I’m certain that it’s mainly due to stress). It’s a broken record I know and that every other week is a story of “how much I have to do” blab bla bla that I try to NOT say those words when I’m with my friends or family. Even I get sick and tired of myself. But alas, complaining is too easy. (So I do it again so casually like drinking water). FML.

So the past few weeks have been one of the worst. And I’m writing it down, and telling everyone especially myself.

I am building a house from scratch

This was the main bane of this episode in my life.

I would love to share with you the happy pictures of before and after like the Astro home channels do, but that wasn’t the complete truth. I struggled.

Not renovation, nor extension. I am BUILDING an actual house from scratch, brick and mortar.

This wasn’t the game The SIMS, it didn’t have a cheat code to multiply money, and I don’t have a partner to go through this together. (But honestly, after hearing so many horror stories of couples doing house renovations or house building – I AM SO GLAD I’M DOING IT ALONE).

It came about when my mum finally sold off one of our old house (after discussion with all us) at Indah Permai. It was our late dad’s house. It was out of the way, rental and maintenance were getting difficult and we each needed the money for various reasons. We split it 4 ways and I decided to use my share to build a house.  BUILD A HOUSE !! JACQKIE THAT IS THE LIFE!!!

“How many inches from the floor?” “How big are your windows?” “What material do you want to use for your doors, solid, aluminium or PVC?” “How big are your door frames? “The different types of rocks” “How far is your manhole from the house”

My phone was ringing and beeping every second. The grand project of building my own house and a place I can make of my own was so idealistic. Imagine all the whimsical Jacqkie stuff having a place they can finally call home, dreammmm!

But as it gets to the crunch time, which is about now, I felt CHOKED.

EVERY THING needed my ATTENTION. And it was daily. My phone rang between 7am – 11pm, and if it’s not ringing like I said, it’s beeping. If I’m already sleeping, things kept pouring in which jolts me up first thing in the morning. So if I’m not looking at my desktop, I am looking at my phone. 

The swift transitions between my phone and my desktop is nauseating. I literally feel like puking every day because of this. 

It's also because, last I checked, I don't have millions in my bank account, I had to scrutinize every little spend, detail and inch which basically taught me a lot about value. 
I was so frugal the first few days, and because of that, things didn’t move as well. And I became frustrated.

On top of many other things

Continuing my broken record of me being "busy with many things", I know this rule of thumb, but every now and then only when you get into it (again and again), will you re-learn, THAT LIFE:  

Life is an act of balance.

The moment you start to have many things on your plate, and when some things require much more of your attention (even when you don’t intend to), you off balance the others.

And that happened to me.

It affected some parts of my life like a little bit of work and other sides I’m helping. Not only did I fcked a few things up, I disappointed a few people as well. 

Seeing everyone I love or who’ve always had my back taken aback at the little care I had.


I was torn between not giving two fcks about what people thought of me or the situation, and thinking I could have done better.  Could I have done any better? Should I NOT care? I was torn.

Truth is, I had indeed lost my attention on some things.

Red flags

And then I finally picked the red flags up.

My family have always told me that I’m “absent minded”. It’s another word for “blur” really. While it’s cute to be called “blur” when I was 15, misplacing my wallet or my notebook, it gets a little dangerous when you’re older and not concentrating on the road while driving. In fact, it’s very dangerous.

I had bought the wrong items my brother asked despite him talking to me one on one and repeating himself. My mind predetermined the items that I had to get as opposed to actually listening to my brother and acknowledging his requests.

I had mixed up many of my mum’s conversations, because I had remembered the end mission; to send something off. But have completely lost the middle part of the conversation because I “wasn’t there”… during the conversation.

The many errors I’ve made, small or big the past few weeks were the red flags I’ve noticed knowing I NEED TO CHANGE A FEW THINGS.

The worst version of myself

Many of us are aware of the worst versions of ourselves, but we either do not acknowledge it nor do we do anything about it. And the worst part? We defy, throw tantrum or sit on our chair of misery waiting for our mind to self-destruct towards the very people that we love and love us so much.

It did not help, that I’ve been listening to Frenship’s 1000 nights over and over again, which reiterated my thoughts I should not care about money and other things FFS. Which reminds me, listening to one thing over and over again is almost like brainwashing. Note to self: not so good. 

(And unfortunately) I have a tunnel vision of things in my mind at the moment. So because of that, the past few weeks, I have been my worst.

I do not want to interact with many, I try to avoid any form of engagement with people because I think I do not have the time, I always assume I am busy, I am grumpy and the worst of it all, there are days when I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t laugh, nor cry or be more animatic like I usually do because I’m “so busy”.

This is when I think I could have a self-diagnosed mild depression, that’s caused by stress. It physically affected me too because my head WOULD REALLY HURT. Like there’s a ball of heavyweight that’s pulling it down and I constantly get headaches. And that I assumed its migraine (I still don’t know what this pain is) so a few nights ago, before going out I popped painkillers (I don’t take painkillers). 

ALL the things that are coming ahead of me are now like dark clouds looming around my head, instead of joys that I could look forward to. Just the thought of it now, gives me headache!

The worst version of me affects everyone I love around me. I know it’s easy to just say sorry.  So I’m not going to take it for granted.

I know real love like you all have given deserves the good and the bad of me, but I will always try and be better. Because I love all of you and I don’t want to be a terrible person. 

Truth is

There are (too) many distractions out there.

They are like the noise of life, and this includes the thoughts in my mind which unfortunately it’s not something I can pluck out of my brain easily to remove them. On top of the distractions, you have your responsibilities in life and the things you YOURSELF enrol in. Activities, clubs,  sides etc.

How do people NOT get distracted?!

I want to clear my mind.
I need to. It’s a matter of saving my mind.


So I wrote the things I needed to change (man were they right when they say insanity is doing same thing over and over again);

I’ve decided to spend less time on social media. Between my walk from my desk to another colleague’s desk, I don’t need to scroll through the noise. I also do not scroll so much more now before I sleep as well.

When I do, I give myself mere minutes to see what my loved ones are doing, as opposed to blind scrolling. Which really is a huge acknowledgement of what I’m looking at. Social media… I’m not even going to go there, truly adds up to the noise in my current life. I’m sorry, I may be losing a lot on news, but I think I need to un-distract myself for a while.  

My conversation with Ingrid, always saves me. Always. She makes me discuss things that are extremely important in my life like “the self” and give an actual action plan. And always gives me suggestions to improve the flow of my life. I needed to have one actual off day. Complete from work or from any distraction.

The most underrated saviour of my worst days is my interaction with people. I often stay at home with a self-destructing mind waiting for my cat or a good tv show to save me from myself. But after many of these episodes, I realised, that interaction with people (yes dates too as my previous posts) are one that could make me realized that my problems are either a) much smaller than I thought, b) not even a problem to begin with and c) just to laugh random things of. OMG DO YOU KNOW HOW PRECIOUS REAL LAUGHS ARE?! For a split second you forget your stress away. 

I've learned so much from these couple of weeks. Very painful, and very stressful. And yet I have to manage it. 

Learning, to clear my mind. 

Signing off.
Need to chill by myself.
Getting to get more sleep.

Listening to - Zee Avi's Arena Cahaya


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