It was on a casual Tuesday morning that I discovered what my biggest fear in life is. 30 Seconds to Mars was playing in the background, and what I figured would be the usual ears-breaking song, the next number, ironically gave me a fuller sense of emptiness. The 100 Suns was playing, and I subconsciously lost myself in it. I wasn't working then, and getting used to a whole new environment here in KK after 6 years of the hustle and bustle needed more than just time. I needed motivation, some sort of inspiration and a whole load of ambition. I needed goals to look forward to. 

It is a haunting song. Lyrically, conceptually. Then and there, like a snap conclusion, I found out what is my biggest fear in life:

Which is to live like an empty vessel. 

To not have any goals in life, nor ambitions, motivations, inspirations and love. That fear I developed, was becoming. I was sending mum to work, fetching her, while I had so much of love for the people and things around me, I am pinned to the situation of not knowing what I wanted in life (then) and how I wanted them. Like there was no outline. I used to think catching sunsets at my favourite spot here by the beach was all that. It was, it made me want to catch it every evening the next day, and the coming days - but having just one thing to look forward to was hazardous. What if it rained on other days? 

I sighed, and drank myself to sleep. 

Days after the discovery, I stopped feeling pity for myself. And did eventually outlined all the things that I want to do now that not only do I have more time for myself, I stay in an amazing island of Borneo. That if everything else fails, I would focus myself on travelling inbound as well and meet a lot more new people to colour my days. 

And it worked. I started going out more, I started to venture into other things, and I got a good job that I loved, and contributed so much to. 

I drew these bunch of stick ladies on one of my "unmotivated days". It wasn't something I had in my mind, I picked the sketch board and started doodling these three girls. 

#1 - A young lady whose favourite activity or pastime is reading. Not travelling, not partying, just by the bed, and with a paperback. 

#2 - A young lady that is in love with everything in the world. Most importantly, she is in love with love. She preaches to people about the importance of loving herself, the earth, its inhabitants and the idea of accepting other worldly different cultures. She is just full of love, and just plain harmless. 

# 3 - And last but not least, a girl who's on board with modernism. She is very competitive, highly well versed, educated, and articulated. She believes in connecting and networking, and is very in touch with the business and development surrounding her and her lives. Absolutely open to all kinds of ideas and is willing to learn and bend backwards just to keep in touch with everything around her. 

Well yes, you guessed it. They're all me. I couldn't put a name to these three ladies. I realized, the only name they should be carrying is Jacqkie. I am the compromise of all these three ladies. 

So this weekend, my mum and I are going to check out Kasih Sayang Health Resort. Apparently, it's just a half an hour's drive from the city. Nice. 

I was supposed to go with Ying Ying (possibly my hardest working colleague, she reached her KPI for a year in just 2 months), but she cancelled on me because she has... surprise surprise, work.

So I told her I'm going to kill her, and that she owes me another date :)

Till then.

Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.


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