Early mornings. Late nights.
Sometimes I take that the city is a little too much for me.
I'm not entirely sure about my happiness anymore. Which it revolves around, or which it falsely hang onto. There are so many things that's been bothering me. And to depict it to words would not do justice of what they actually are. They're like stars in the sky waiting to be deciphered by a bunch of college graduates. Remember?
Ah, good times.
I often ask myself this ; do I appreciate a more domesticated lifestyle or rather the incredulous sensation of challenge? Am I a strong family member that glues the family together, or will I be the broken piece that will become? Do I stay for a reason, or is there ever any reason for me to stay? When the time comes every month, I worry for every coins. What have I become?
I'm emotionally at struggle. I'm not trying to be poetic or anything by writing things that frankly, only I would understand but truth be told, I've lost so much of my privacy after these hectic months I can only be cautious. Not only that I'm slowly losing touch of what personal times and words mean, I've also registered to a rather different set of entity.
I'm scrutinizing my time here in this world. What are the things as a person I should be doing, or what personal goals do I really want to make come true? Have I really become that selfless that there are so many things in my future I will disregard by choosing what I will choose?
Quantity in life versus Quality of life.
I keep asking myself that question, and more often than not we all choose to live in denial. We don't know what exactly are the answers to our questions but we try to keep them in the closet as far as it could go. Contemplating, thinking to reopen it only when the time is right.
But when exactly is the right time?
I think I have secretly decided what I want in life. Not factoring in the journey of time and how things will turn out if I decide so. I am secretly ready for so many changes, yet I keep everything to myself, pray so diligently that nothing along the way will ruin these plans.
I will be there for you is a final answer I've settled with. How things will lay out is something I have to figure out myself while time permits me to plan. The strings that are attached will be a melancholy cut from all my dreams and fantasies. I will find my way to be able to move on without hurting anything or anyone in the process. It's something I don't know how to live yet, but have to patiently find a way to do so.
I pray that when the time comes, not only will I be ready but I will be strong (strong as her) and see the silver lining in everything I've decide on.
In the meantime, help me find me as I find peace in pray and love :)
Love & peace,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.