Don't rain on my days
A few days ago, mum texted me that doctors had found a lump on her breast.
Dazed and confused, I reread her text trying hard to not misinterpret what I just read. For some strange reason, I was calm. Or so I thought I was.
I gave her a call to clarify as I was dying to know what it was all about, hoping I could steer clear of all things possible. And what was something I thought could help me ease the pain got me even more indignant at accepting the news. I was hurt, more than anything.
I know her very well. She is the kinda person that would use all the subtle words to describe everything. Typical mums. Especially bad news in particular. I tried digging in deeper on what was/is the seriousness of the situation, but all she could say was that the removal operation needed to be done the soonest.
...while I go ahead with the rest of the day. Distracted. Mad. Because I felt helpless, that I am 2.5 hours flight away from the person I love the most, that I am incapable of saying all things motivational and love to her face-to-face, that I am not around when she needs me the most. You know how terribly conflicted I felt? To have gone here for personal goals among many, and to expect everyone around me understand my situation, and empathize with it?
These few months haven't been well to me. My every move and decision is being tested. That every decision or plans that I made seem to one way or another backfire me.
But like many, no sad news is predictable and therefore is mostly not adjustable. Yes, I would love to drop everything behind - run home and expect life falls to places after my impulsive decision, but are we ballsy enough to execute what's actually lingering in our head?
If there is one thing I am sure is that she and I, can pull this through together. I am generally not a dramatic person, sappy nor public. A lot of things in my life have been kept secret, closed dearly to my heart simply because ;
A. I am as such.
B. I am usually the listener.
C. I personally think it's a negative vibe to be spreading negativity and emotional stuff on any of my social media platforms, heck even in real life.
It's been a week that I've kept this all to myself, pulling a game face on everytime I go to work, laugh at my friends' jokes with all these at the back of my mind. I am not entirely sure whether she will be telling anyone else about it as of now, but yes you are the first to know so I would appreciate that whatever's read here stays here while I sort some stuff.
I am planning to go back one of these weekends, and when I told her my plans of going back for her operation she asked me not to because I got work and that my sister is having some tests.
I stopped in the middle of the road.
Inhale, exhale. The moment felt like forever. Holding in tears, trying to compose every breath making sure she couldn't hear the tears that trickled down my cheeks, neither the cracking of my voice.
I am coming back to visit her of course, but that too needs to be sorted out while I put my head into the right direction. She has no say in what I want to do for her, it's the very least I could do.
I ask nothing of you my fellow friends, but prayers to protect and guide her in trial times. Provide her and the rest of my family members - strength, to overcome this. I'm sure she will do alright knowing the superwoman that she is :) She is what I refer to as the only woman in my life that has juggled everything, gone through the worst and come out not only surviving it but smiling.
Love & peace,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.