Sunday, April 25, 2010

Feeling old & some long winded post

Listening to - Bunkface Soldier

I can actually feel the aging process enveloping my whole being. Not entirely due to the saggy cheeks, nor the grey hairs, and most importantly the ever so fatigue body - if a measure was to be done, it would be based on the terrifying serious conversations I tend to indulge in, the lack of response to other people because of too much thinking, and much more factors that I believe will surface later in life.

I fear uncertainties. The weird thing is, I am not a life's grinch. Or so I thought. You know, I am freaking worried about - that grey future. That that grey future I can't seem to paint of now. I am feeling rather melancholy about so many things in life at this point, I am not sure anymore.

I wanted to post something funny just now in this post, but .. funny left me. I am all alone in the room, with no pretentious feelings or rather false joy to cover up.

I don't think I'm currently depressed, I'm just - not sure. Even typing this gives me a weird sensation. Tell me, is this life? My support is all around, but I just cannot pin point these things that's been bugging me. I really cannot. It's like this, no but not really, but that, but no not really either.

I envy you whose life is falling to places, or rather promises you something. I am scrambling for reasons, I am holding onto things that I think are giving up on me. I am feeling scattered, confused, dazed, tired. Shit, this feeling is damn weird.

I am most worried when my family and friends read this. It's always scarier for them to read something they're not sure of. I know, frankly I am not sure either.

Am I,

all the smiles people see me of? Or the strength I thought I have? Or the friend I wanted in people? Or the simple soul who's trying too hard? I tell you, growing up leaves no space for breathing at times. It just happens so fast.

So hello emoness! I didn't invite you. It must have been the mind-self, because everyone goes through the same thing. Tell me this is just the trick of the night and I will wakeup feeling like Barney or Spongebob tomorrow morning.

Love & peace,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

2 comments:

karenpasqual said...

I don't know if this is a good thing but I loved your post. Somehow I can relate to the feeling as well. Glad to know I'm not alone..hehe. Anyways, I miss you.....*hugs*

Jacqkie Rowena said...

Thanks love :) *hugs*