Saturday, May 23, 2009

Worst Week

Listening to Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate

This is going to be a sad post. Well, I'll try.

The past week was probably the weirdest, and most heartbreaking for me. Although I didn't show it on my face nor I ran to anyone about my problems, I couldn't bring myself to - simply because it was moreso an internal dilemma, y'know. It's not the kind of conflict that involves anyone, because if it did - it would be alot easier to handle. Seriously.

Leaving for Adelaide hit me real hard last Saturday and continued 'till today. I was so happy that he manage to accompany me to church last week, and I was thanking him every other minute, making sure he knows, like really knows I mean it.

Fast forward to Monday. After college, he send me back home and was about to leave me for some appointment. When he hugged me, I started crying. Cried all my worries, wanting him to understand that I want him to stay to spend more time with me. I couldn't say it, it's unfair and desperate. He told me all the things I needed to know, and then and there I realised all the things I will miss;

His thinking lips, where he'd unintentionally carve the cutest pout when he's worried or thinking about something, His big eyes, those eyes that I cannot stop love, those thick brows and scar that made me call him Convict, the biggest - most warmest hug I have ever received, and the most beautiful pair of ears that I kiss too many times, the most adorable tummy - that I know very well, and loved.

I have become his leech. His leech. The leech who cannot stop haunt him wherever he goes. The leech who doesn't want to give him his space even when I realise I'm doing it. The leech who wishes to go wherever he goes.

That boy is full of love, and it sucks to not be able to show it to you how much he means to me. And as much as my friends try to convince me it will be okay, no one has ever told me that it will be painful, unimaginably long and desperate it will get. No one seem to want to tell me the painful truth of the process. The process of waking up early in the morning hoping he's next to you. Make other parts of my life harder, but not this one. Just not this one.

I even believe I could deal with human problems, technology breakdown, financial problems but not separating with the person you think is almost literally your half. The person who completes your sentence, and finds the things you lost, or calm you down when you're boiling up.

There was even a point I didn't want to go on with this. That I want to run from this problem, believing that this thing would paralyse all my senses and make me inhumane again. Because of the inexplicably painful process of dehumanizing me, that I have to stop miss him to go on gracefully with my days, that I have to stop care so much to not make me want to be there and go through what he goes through. All of the sudden the process becomes ironic. To not miss him means to not care so much, to move on. It's confusing, and it's painful not knowing.

Near far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on.

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

2 comments:

fiki wiki said...

ooo you can always go on skype with him like me and my dude (he's in germany and here i am in msia =/ ). but anyway, our skype is 24/7 on, even when we're sleeping or out, itll still be on.

it really works trust me ;)

Jacqkie Rowena said...

fiki wiki: thanks babe! i will definitely put my skype on 24/7. :)