We woke up at 6am, after 5 minutes of rebelling - we got up, took (what seemed like) the coldest shower ever, and cursed our parents over school's torturous rules, bargained the the idea of skipping class with good results in the next Maths' test and...
After failing miserably in all attempts to skip school that day, we dragged our long faces to the car. Upon finally reaching the school's entrance we see other kids lingering around, we waved hi to those we talk to, and comment on those we don't, a rush of adrenaline shot up through our body and the school looked more appealing than our mum.
There was a point in life when everything seemed to go absolutely wrong but your friends could always help you. Your parents could. Your siblings could. Whenever you were uncertain about what to wear or what competitions to join, you summoned them.
You know that crossroad between adulthood and bluewhite uniforms? The crossroad between doing what you want to do, and listening to your mum's voice at the back of your head? The crossroad between finally getting a driver's license and public transportation? Looking back, decision making wasn't as hard as it is now. It wasn't as confusing as it is now. It felt like no matter what we do or say, there was always this subtle direction we could always follow.
I had a stepback few days ago. It was like my life was on Pause mode. Everything I did back when I was a kid right up to my teen years were questioned. Hell, everything I did in Diploma was a big question mark. It was the approach that disturbed me.
If I had chose to become something else, how will my life be? If I chose a different crowd, how would my life be? If I chose a different lifestyle, how would my life be? If I chose a different path, how would my life be? If I chose a different career, what would I do for money? If I lived a different place, who would I marry?
You try hard to convince yourself that you are this all this time but after much struggle you realised you've had so many issues with being who you think you are. Things like the future you, and the past you. And then you compare with your present. It's disturbing when you're finally at this junction I'm referring to. It made me think the whole entire day, who I was, who I am and who I will be in future.
It's like when you hear actors or (for some reason) maybe a doctor who quit their job because something along the way made them realised this isn't for them and they ended up either being a Governator, or Astrologist? I know the comparison, the metaphor is weird but this is exactly what I'm feeling. I never thought I could have problem identifying who I am, never, but when the stepback happened I stopped and reflected my life.
It's the crossroad where a close friend of mine (Catholic) decided to stop going to church. Or the crossroad where another friend of mine decided to get married at this age. Or another, who decided to leave a 6-years friendship after finally realising her friend was actually toxic to her.
Let me explain to you vividly how this crossroad taunted me, surely one day you'll find yourself having to decide or face the most difficult self-discovery as well ever. I don't think it's called giving up, it's more like questioning everything.
Just like high school, I woke up early that morning. Around 6.30AM. This time, I waited moodily for Daren to pick me up. When he came, I took out my flats and pushed my toes in. I struggled, my feet hurts, my muscles hurt. When I reach school, I took a deep breath. I asked him whether it'll be wise for us to have breakfast then since it's few minutes left to class, he said no and I stormed in. When I came in, I had the most tiring walk to my seat ever. I chose the last seat so that I could browse the internet carelessly.
During class, we checked some results. It was a careless moment for me. I got good yes, but that's when I started asking questions like so where do I go from here, how many more moments of validation like this will occur? How many more moments of comparisons? How many more moments of justification? How many more moments finishing up what people or any institution ask you to? How many more moments of following status quo?
After class everything moved slowly. My mind was overstuffed with so many random things, that if I had to chose to skip class that day it would probably be for the best. But I didn't, you know the robotic feeling of following through every single thing you should? It's almost automatic and tiring.
After class ended, I went to his place for another dinner. I was mute the entire time. Something in me wanted to pour my heart out, but frankly I didn't know what and how to. So I waited until we were both alone, after realising I wasn't responsive like I always was he asked. and I poured. and cried. and cried.
I bombarded him questions; who was I during high school? what were all the competitions for? what are the posts for? why did I wanted them? why did I join all the stuffs I did? why did I wanted to win everything? Did everything I did back in primary school right up to high school were purely based on gaining respect and admiration which to be passed on to my single parent? Or guilt, of not being able to survive and help her go through life successfully so I shock people? What was being leaders in almost all the group projects are all about?
All the decisions I made was considered safe - in the long run. Remember when our folks used to tell us it's always better to be safe than sorry? Is it really? Don't we learn more when we're sorry?
The talk we had worried him as well. He had a concern look on his face, he couldn't understand what I'm going through but he knew it wasn't good. After confessing my thoughts, I changed to a dinner's attire. He changed to his, and then he put on his watch. I told him he looked handsome, and fell in love with him all over again when he said;
I'm just wearing this watch to show off. It's not even working.
And he grinned. I burst out a laugh and I couldn't help but praise miracles for what a horrible day but what a simple antidote to it! I don't know whether love is the direction to all life's problems, but it made my journey to self-discovery worthwhile.
It took me two days to write this post. After reading numerous of children's books just now, I'm feeling grand. Life is all funny, and that's how it's supposed to be. I started my day knowing not where or what I will do, but now I'm ready to move forward, because that's the only way. I need to be more spontaneous and stop questioning past experiences. I need to love myself more, and maybe from there status quo would look like a joke. I don't need to compare, because how I live my life is a personal, subjective matter.
For Paul Coelho's The Alchemist, the journey of chasing dreams leaving familiar surroundings eventually was just a beautiful experience. Because the treasure he seek has always been right infront of his eyes.
I need a mission in life, yes that's what I need.Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.