Saturday, April 25, 2009

I'm coming home

Hello guys!

So sorry for not updating much this past month, I guess I've been pretty busy doing my assignments and attending parties/events lately. These things take a whoooooooleeeeee lot of me I tell you.

This is a quick update, I bought my tickets back home so take note that I'll be around KK from (Sunday) May 3 - (Friday) May 8. But no dates nor promises will be made with any of you (just yet) because I'm prioritising family, Ad stuffs and then friends :)

My classmates and I were planning to go for our first roadtrip together to Penang and Setiawan, but because I only have two weeks of holiday - I had to choose either the first, or the second week to settle all my banking, credit card, passport transfers or needs before flying off to Ad which means I might have to forgo the roadtrip. Fortunately, everything is not finalised yet so fingers crossed!

It has been more than two months I've been delaying the purchase, and thanks to my aunt who forwarded me about a special weekend promotion, I managed to get return tickets for RM300++ in total. Usually, it goes up to RM400++ which means I saved quite alot eh? After the purchase comes the packing. Don't you feel lucky not living so far away from home? *frowns*

Ah, packing is the best part!

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day!

If you're using Google you'd most likely to know that today is Earth Day. Frankly, for someone who tries hard to do her part for mother nature - I really didn't know today was Earth Day. It's the workload, it's crawling up to my head! Okay, okay no excuses. But I'm still trying, and hopefully in time I'll keep this in mind.

For whatever that's left - Happy Earth Day/Night, and remember Reuse, Reduce, Recycle!


Oh I was pretty bored one day and decided to have fun with my brother's paint lefotvers. Here's also an interesting fact about him, his real love is drawing/ painting /artsy stuffs but well, he decided to make it as a hobby. Quite the opposite, I'm a total dumbass when it comes to arts - hence the fingerprint art. Like, that's the easiest!

For those of you who are most of the time accompanied by the idiotbox (like ME), remember to let go of your imagination once in a while and write, draw, sing and dance whenever you feel like to!

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Crossroad

There was a time when we all know the directions in life.

We woke up at 6am, after 5 minutes of rebelling - we got up, took (what seemed like) the coldest shower ever, and cursed our parents over school's torturous rules, bargained the the idea of skipping class with good results in the next Maths' test and...

After failing miserably in all attempts to skip school that day, we dragged our long faces to the car. Upon finally reaching the school's entrance we see other kids lingering around, we waved hi to those we talk to, and comment on those we don't, a rush of adrenaline shot up through our body and the school looked more appealing than our mum.

There was a point in life when everything seemed to go absolutely wrong but your friends could always help you. Your parents could. Your siblings could. Whenever you were uncertain about what to wear or what competitions to join, you summoned them.

You know that crossroad between adulthood and bluewhite uniforms? The crossroad between doing what you want to do, and listening to your mum's voice at the back of your head? The crossroad between finally getting a driver's license and public transportation? Looking back, decision making wasn't as hard as it is now. It wasn't as confusing as it is now. It felt like no matter what we do or say, there was always this subtle direction we could always follow.

I had a stepback few days ago. It was like my life was on Pause mode. Everything I did back when I was a kid right up to my teen years were questioned. Hell, everything I did in Diploma was a big question mark. It was the approach that disturbed me.

If I had chose to become something else, how will my life be? If I chose a different crowd, how would my life be? If I chose a different lifestyle, how would my life be? If I chose a different path, how would my life be? If I chose a different career, what would I do for money? If I lived a different place, who would I marry?

You try hard to convince yourself that you are this all this time but after much struggle you realised you've had so many issues with being who you think you are. Things like the future you, and the past you. And then you compare with your present. It's disturbing when you're finally at this junction I'm referring to. It made me think the whole entire day, who I was, who I am and who I will be in future.

It's like when you hear actors or (for some reason) maybe a doctor who quit their job because something along the way made them realised this isn't for them and they ended up either being a Governator, or Astrologist? I know the comparison, the metaphor is weird but this is exactly what I'm feeling. I never thought I could have problem identifying who I am, never, but when the stepback happened I stopped and reflected my life.

It's the crossroad where a close friend of mine (Catholic) decided to stop going to church. Or the crossroad where another friend of mine decided to get married at this age. Or another, who decided to leave a 6-years friendship after finally realising her friend was actually toxic to her.

Let me explain to you vividly how this crossroad taunted me, surely one day you'll find yourself having to decide or face the most difficult self-discovery as well ever. I don't think it's called giving up, it's more like questioning everything.

Just like high school, I woke up early that morning. Around 6.30AM. This time, I waited moodily for Daren to pick me up. When he came, I took out my flats and pushed my toes in. I struggled, my feet hurts, my muscles hurt. When I reach school, I took a deep breath. I asked him whether it'll be wise for us to have breakfast then since it's few minutes left to class, he said no and I stormed in. When I came in, I had the most tiring walk to my seat ever. I chose the last seat so that I could browse the internet carelessly.

During class, we checked some results. It was a careless moment for me. I got good yes, but that's when I started asking questions like so where do I go from here, how many more moments of validation like this will occur? How many more moments of comparisons? How many more moments of justification? How many more moments finishing up what people or any institution ask you to? How many more moments of following status quo?

After class everything moved slowly. My mind was overstuffed with so many random things, that if I had to chose to skip class that day it would probably be for the best. But I didn't, you know the robotic feeling of following through every single thing you should? It's almost automatic and tiring.

After class ended, I went to his place for another dinner. I was mute the entire time. Something in me wanted to pour my heart out, but frankly I didn't know what and how to. So I waited until we were both alone, after realising I wasn't responsive like I always was he asked. and I poured. and cried. and cried.

I bombarded him questions; who was I during high school? what were all the competitions for? what are the posts for? why did I wanted them? why did I join all the stuffs I did? why did I wanted to win everything? Did everything I did back in primary school right up to high school were purely based on gaining respect and admiration which to be passed on to my single parent? Or guilt, of not being able to survive and help her go through life successfully so I shock people? What was being leaders in almost all the group projects are all about?

All the decisions I made was considered safe - in the long run. Remember when our folks used to tell us it's always better to be safe than sorry? Is it really? Don't we learn more when we're sorry?

The talk we had worried him as well. He had a concern look on his face, he couldn't understand what I'm going through but he knew it wasn't good. After confessing my thoughts, I changed to a dinner's attire. He changed to his, and then he put on his watch. I told him he looked handsome, and fell in love with him all over again when he said;

I'm just wearing this watch to show off. It's not even working.

And he grinned. I burst out a laugh and I couldn't help but praise miracles for what a horrible day but what a simple antidote to it! I don't know whether love is the direction to all life's problems, but it made my journey to self-discovery worthwhile.

It took me two days to write this post. After reading numerous of children's books just now, I'm feeling grand. Life is all funny, and that's how it's supposed to be. I started my day knowing not where or what I will do, but now I'm ready to move forward, because that's the only way. I need to be more spontaneous and stop questioning past experiences. I need to love myself more, and maybe from there status quo would look like a joke. I don't need to compare, because how I live my life is a personal, subjective matter.

For Paul Coelho's The Alchemist, the journey of chasing dreams leaving familiar surroundings eventually was just a beautiful experience. Because the treasure he seek has always been right infront of his eyes.

I need a mission in life, yes that's what I need.

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Adventure of...

PACKING!

Before you do anything, please click here, thank you I love you very strong.

When I say adventure, I mean freakingdaymitsampaisakitbelakang Adventure alright. It took me about 4 hours to clear up pretty much alot of the stuffs in my room. And it's just alot, not ALL okay!

I've asked Karen on what other organisations/homes that I can donate to, and thankfully this has fueled me to pack all the stuffs I'll be donating. Which include stationaries, toiletries, clothes, plush toys for the kids, iron, earrings and other random stuffs.

Gifts will be kept, for all the obvious reasons. Though some that were received by exes will be donated, because frankly, I'm not in excellent terms with any of them.

I'll let the pictures tell you how horrible it was to pack. Before you give me the crazy eye, let me give you an important piece of information. This room has occupied at least 4 people (not at the same time). Which means random stuffs were accumulated leaving me the last, latest person staying there to pack up layers, and layers of my cousins' and my brother's random items! And I'm talking towels, speakers, MEDICINE BOOKS THAT ARE THICK LIKE HELL, books, files, let's just say there were tons of them.

I mean yes, I could leave some of my stuffs as well, but I don't think it would be civilised that way. Plus, I'm already leaving my furnitures as built-in furniture for the next tenant so leaving random papers and all that would be like, occupied you know what I mean?

Here's the desk, where all the stress happens.


Next, this is where I decide what goes back KK, what comes with me to Ad, what will go to charity and what will be sold. If you cross reference with Jacqkieseconds you will find out that I'm selling less than 5% of my wardrobe collection. Because, most of the clothes I have are either non-casual or non-fitting, hahahahahaha (get the joke?!). Okay, move on.


This used to be my brother's huge ass television and Xbox/ PS 3 set. When he took everything away, I thought of using it as a makeup table and whatever not, but look how many random stuffs I have (PERSONALLY!) now?!! I mean good golly, seriously, as far as I know I don't shop THIS much, but I have like weirdest items, from spotlights (my brother's) to a bag full of plastic bags! Okay wait, I can explain the sarung you spotted. My mum gave me when I first came to KL, because she was worried I might leak at night.

Where do I start. The mirror is broken and because I was too blardy lazy to change mirrors since I'm leaving anyway I leave it just as that, I have an inexplicable paint brush lying on that table, news bulletin church which I don't think I've ever referred to, and yes speakers.


These are my plush toys collection. From left, was given from my sister when I first came KL. She wanted me to take care of it making sure I don't have my lonely nights. The second was given as a christmas present from my cousin. The third was from Project Phunk. We succesfully received so many sponsorships from TY that I got to bring one home. The shrek's ear was given by my colleague from Cinema Online, she so schweet. The last one was given from sweetheart's brother on my birthday. Tell me, how can you consider of giving these things away, but how do bring all also to your luggage, howwww lah.



This was after two hours of doing abit of cleaning up. And spot the WTF ness in this picture.


Got ah? Well if you see clearly, there's one iron at top far left of the picture and another one on bottom left. I HAVE TWO IRON. TWO. And right after stressing out about the two irons I have, I saw another one. *exhale*

And of course, random boxes under my bed as well. I still haven't checked those out. See, packing would be alot easier if my hometown was somewhere nearer. But the only mode of transportation to my house is a freaking plane. Really, how do I settle these things?


Can you still blame for procastinating...

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

From Subang to Adelaide

Listening to - Jason Wade You Belong To Me

In about 3 months, I'll be separated with Daren. He could only make it to the last year, but since I'm back then he would probably revise everything.

Watching Marley & Me just now didn't help, of course it worsen my situation. I can't find a reason to be excited eventhough I should like everyone else, since it's a new place, new friends. But to me, home is where my heart is and clearly it follows wherever he goes.

When I was walking alone to Section 14 to buy some food just now, I almost cried remembering all the good memories we've shared. The wonderful things he has done for me, the beautiful things he has said to me it's the kind of pain that I know will reopen once I'm there all to myself. I cannot describe that boy's contribution to my growth. He has his remarkable ways in handling life, and I've always looked up at him for being the sweetest person any girl could have ever met.

I've done long distance before, and none of them has ever worked, while he, hasn't been in any.

Am I scared of infidelity and dishonesty? No. Not one bit, I trust him enough to not feel so insecure about myself, and he trusts me enough. Frankly, I am more worried of facing problems and struggles alone. When I was single, everything seemed possible, I didn't need a best friend neither did I need anyone to talk to, but with him... he humanised me in more ways than just this. He gave me reasons to cry, to laugh, to feel pain with hopes there are tomorrow. He kisses my forehead when I'm stressed, he massages me when I have cramps, and he sends me to college when I'm fatigue, eventhough it's completely out of his way and he is exhausted himself.

He made me communicate to people I thought I would never in my life. He made me love animals, simply because he loves them. He made me think work as work, and not a narcissist's achievement. He made me appreciate friends the way they are, and he made me love myself like never before. He gave everyone his infectious smile, no wonder so many kinds of people loves him.

How do I do this when I'm alone? Where will his voice be, telling me what's to rush and what's not to? What if I'm stressed, I would leave everything behind, how would he tell me not to? What if I gave up on him because I wasn't thinking straight, how would he convince it's just my hormones, and hug me out after that? Oh dear Lord, how.

Writing this makes me disgusted at myself, looking at the words I've chosen with such shame. I am worried about myself too much, about my life without him. But what about that beautiful boy who I stole his youth, his lifestyle, his friends from? He confesses of seeing his future with me, growing older, still able to make me laugh like he always do, carving wrkinles on all the right places, but he never, ever wants to see the part where we'll separate.

Where we have to live without each other physically, without each other's warm hugs, kisses and caresses. Without each other's words of encouragement, without each other's jokes, without each other's heart.

We've talked about this. Every single day. It wasn't part of the plan, but we've decided to stick to each other through thick and thin. We've come this far, and we've loved each other that nothing else matters.

I know it's too soon, but bring me roses and Hakka Mee when I'm done with this.

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Let's backpack!

I'm planning something for me and my boyfriend before leaving for Adelaide. I know it will only be for a Semester, but a Semester means a huge deal for someone who's committed in a relationship like me. I'm not planning to replace him, plus I'm coinciding the vacation with his birthday!

I'm thinking of going;

a) backpacking
b) vacation
c) one-day roadtrip

Money is like the main issue for everything! Luckily, we're both pretty okay at prioritising and strategising our expenses that best suits just us.

And frankly speaking, he's the best travel companion any one could ever have! He takes charge when I needed him too. He prioritised my convenience (because my bagpack is as heavy as me I think), wait okaylah too exaggarated I would be dead by then, he kisses me on my forehead whenever I'm exhausted of walking and he makes me laugh at the silliest things especially when it comes to funny explorations or discoveries. And he manages our money well I feel so secured.

I tell you this, I'm assured to have wrinkles (because I laugh way too much) but at least I'll die happy *grins*.

Okay after much digressing I think you guys pretty much know what I want, and please feel free to help me, I neeeeed your help!

Love,
Jacqueline Rowena @ Jacqkie.