Why?

i dont know where to begin. should i express of how i feel of my weeks that have been damaging everything of me? or should i begin telling you that guilt is eating me inside and all i could see was him, to accept my apology.

i dont understand of everything that i'm going through. i dont know where to begin. i was putting on a mask. i was hiding. from everything and anything. i hurt my jaw by gritting on my teeth too much, hoping, worry mask will not show.

i've been running, climbing, chasing, learning, moving, writing, typing, listening, talking, the list just goes on pretending that it was a routine and not a burden. i know being busy and having tons of work is what it takes in this world. i have always believed that. is this the painful truth?

yes i am tired, of all the drama and hustle and bustle of my busy life. but it feels like stopping for a drink and taking a 5 minutes break really does mean 5 minutes break. temporary and fast. and there I am pretending to be strong and putting on my mask again.

I was on my best of mood today. I put on a simple dark eye shadow instead of my eyeliner. I grabbed my crackers and swore it would be a simple day. But this would be the day I would break down and let it go; of everything.

.......and,

I could hear my heartbeat. i refuse to believe what i just heard. i just held his arms a couple of months ago and i was very certain that everything would be okay... this is impossible. he promised us he would be okay with his giggly assurance!

my eyes were wet and tears dropped when i heard she said his name. i knew what she was going to say. i felt like throwing the phone on the floor and forced her to just stop talking and dont ever ruin my day with such worrying calls. but i couldnt and broke into tears when she finally said it.

.......i hold my tears. trying not to show it to anyone. i did. i really did. i kept everything, until i know i couldn't anymore. i was typing on the computer, doing work like i would normally do but i was still in a huge blur. my mind was in blank, i dont know what to say, what to think and what to do. i felt like running to somewhere and cry my heart out. but there I am dragging myself to school and classes, and work again. pretending it was a routine.

what hurts me the most is the fact that i couldn't go back Sabah and see his family and to his funeral because i have millions of responsibilities on my shoulder. i'm a dissapointment. i'm so sorry jay.. i really don't mean it. i'm crying with all my heart at this moment thinking that i really am sorry, i would give everything just to pay my last respect to you but i cant at this time...

please God i beg you, i give you everything. i dont want my future to be like this. my weakness and my strengths have taken control over me. my family means more than everything in the world to me. it's the only thing that keeps me moving, and it's the only thing that can break me. and at this time around, i beg you not to break me. I need your help. I really do.

I've been crying for a couple of hours now. My eyes are swelling and deep down I still couldn't forgive myself. I should've been there instead of feeling sorry for everything.........

Dear JayJay,

I love you very much and I dont think our aunties and uncles know how cousins' can be best of friends, but as cousins I think all of us have become very close and indirectly dependent on each other. I wasn't very close to you when I was young, but things have changed over the past few years. I have gotten to know you so much more, in fact loved you so much more. I have been spending time with you and laughed and cried with you during your sickness and honestly, I never gave up on you. I wasn't there all the time unlike Abang Ardie, Abang Leander, Kakak Milla, Bryan, Arthur, Aurel, Dodo and Ika, in Sabah and with that I apologize with deepest of my heart for not being there with you when I should've. I prayed for your sickness all the time, but God has decided that this is your time. I will remind myself time and time again, I believe that you're not gone, you're sitting there with God looking down on everyone who has given you hope and joy.

I'm sorry I couldn't pay my last respect and it has broken me into pieces, eating me inside. I dont know if this is forgivable of myself. I love you and I believe so did everyone that has touched your life or the other. I bid you goodbye and may you'll rest in peace like you've always needed.

It has been some crazy weeks for me. And this one was the last blow. I broke into tears knowing that it would make me feel better. It did, honestly just abit. Right now, I'm still wondering why am I here sucking in so many things at this moment in time.

Why?

Love,
Jacqkie.

Comments

DeGiRL said…
Jac,i wish i could take away sum of ur pain and stress for you, and help you carry those burdens...but i have learnt from experience that only when you learn to share those burdens can anyone help...so im offering to be your pillar for the time being til you can be strong again. the offer stands for life. luv you babe. love you lots. hugs..

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