They pushed themselves around and played with each other's hair. Both wearing simple shirts and trousers. Whispering of things i'd not want to know. She was skinny, short-haired, with thick glasses. Acnes covered most of his face, he has short undefined haircut, and was smiling amusingly, which I assume at his appreciated jokes.
They seem so.. happy? trouble-free? i'd say in love. Puppy love. The really fun puppy love. It never failed to make me smile. It was like a scene I visualized from a book I read, a young couple pleased with each other's companion more than anything in the world. It was everything they thought they needed. Looking at them, love seems so believable and innocent.
I was lost in my thoughts after seeing the young lovebirds. The only thing I remember was asking myself;
.......What. The Hell. Am I. Looking. For. In Them?
How do I summarize of my week? The usual paperworks, and the usual Bridget Jones' moments of course. Self-esteem and ambitions issues will never stop haunting me. This post will be about them. Their appearances in my life and how I loathe them most of the times. Particularly this week.
*If i'm not mistaken I think it was about a week ago that I went to his brithday party. A friendly stranger? 'Oh what the heck-it's free anyway' I thought. I went in, noticed his good features, hid myself in a corner and enjoyed the screams and shrieks they made. He kept looking at me, I saw this from the corner of my eye feeling slightly amused of course. He came towards me, asked the usual how are yous, we talked about 20seconds, someone got his attention and I hide again. Good-looking men are always suspicious. He forced me to sing. again. and again. and again. She came about 2 hours later. And pretty much answered my questions.
Boy Oh Boy, can I read a person's body language like an open book.
..my cousin told me yesterday he wanted me to join them again. I gave her a simple no. He insisted on me coming. I said I dont want, it should make no difference? He insisted again. I insisted more and knew I was right.
*My feet hurts, all I want was to sit in the train, cool myself down, continue my book and listen to my trusty mp3. I was looking for a seat when I saw the only one was next to him. He looked at me, from head to toe, and then smiled peculiarly at me. 'Shit', I sighed but sat next to him nonetheless. The girl infront of me noticed his weird behaviour. She gave me the 'eew' look. Something I bet all girl can understand. I bit my lip, sat and looked the opposite way.
10 minutes later.
I noticed him still smiling, looking at me. I closed my eyes imagining kicking him on the crotch and slapping him real hard. He finally spoked out to me after 15minutes of the ogling. I decided to answer him nicely but my body language contradicts it completely. The five minutes conversation was gross. I tried avoiding his conversation by making my earphones visible enough under my thick hair. He didn't get the message! Irritated, I gave him the cold shoulders.
*He touched my fingers. Oh gosh, it felt like he grabbed it. I thought you can do it without grabbing anyone or anything. I pretended I didnt feel it, and left him in question. I would usually hope it was an accident, and the same goes to this one. I didn't look at him. I knew even an accidental glance would give him ideas. I wanted to know who or what he is, he saw me looking at him. He smiled, as if he understood my response. WTF. I was grossed out and left the place without a trace.
*It was a busy road. So many cars suddenly. One glance. One accidental glance! Stupid mistake I thought! I walked fast. Straight up the road. Pretended I was deaf. I knew it was coming. "HALLO". Shit, I thought. Not again?! He asked for my name and of course my contact number. I answered him nicely still, thinking i've broken all the rules my mum told of.
"Dont talk to strangers!"
"Dont look at them directly in the eyes!"
"Dont even answer them!"
But immediately lied of my name and said no to the dinner and contacting each other suggestions.
*He's nice. He treated me nicely. Trying to make sure I'm always close to him. He started talking about how he's different from the rest. He is funny of course. He likes my companion. It was obvious enough for me to start avoiding the necessary conversations. He started showing a little bit more of him in my life. I like him as a friend. But my instinct tells me it's going somewhere complicated. He started showing how he wants to be close with me. Just me. I refuse to go that path. Not at this time in my life. I have to restructure my relationship with him. Too nice always has its consequences.
Really, what is it am I looking for? and why the heck cant I find it?