Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Melaka

"Mareelah naeik. Jum! Seinang sajahh."
"..erm. Okay."
"Kawan-kawan muh?"
"They're scared."
"..err..You dont know how to speak Malay?"
"I do! I thought YOU dont know how to speak Malay?"
"Haha. *smiles*, where are you from?"
"..err Malaysia?."
"ohh, I mean state...hmm, Sabah?"
"..*raise one eyebrow* yeah."
"Kadazan?"
"......yes!*widen eyes*. where are you from?"
"I'm Egyptian. But I'm staying in Malaysia. Jamal."
"...err Jacqkie.How did you.."
"Okay. We're here. The white slide is the dangerous one. The blue one, not-so. Which one you'd go first?"
"The white one."
"I knew it. See you down there. Take care of your necklace okay."

It's something for a Malaysian to know I'm non-malay/non-Indian. But it's amazing for a non-Malaysian (Jamal), to know I'm non-malay/non-Indian, a Sabahan and a Kadazan and speak good Malay to me! He must be someone who travels alot or down-right intelligent non-ignorant guy. *mighty turn-on!*

Yeah I had so much fun. But I woke up this morning with the Red-Eye Disease. Blardyheck. My bro said it will take up to 5-7days for it to cure, since it's viral infection there's no point on using any medication. My family and friends that's coming will be infected and I'm "advised" (which I definitely wont follow) to stay at home. My brother suggested, me wearing sunglasses to out or everywhere. Now I'll be the laughing stock of not knowing Geography for wearing sunglasses inside the mall. Gosh, what a break will this be!

That's the slide Jamal and I rode! Super High!
My Must Have. A good Book!
...Patrick is literally everywhere!

Summary:
a) My cousin's friend does not break or slow down in turning or u-turn. *gritting-teeth*
b) The air-cond did not worked like an aircond. *shakes-head*
b) Is it just me, or is Melaka so hot in the afternoon?
c) Listening to Malay songs for hours is not so bad after all.
d) ...But remember to bring mp3 to save yourself. *like really-really*
e) I had a crazy super pedas menggigit nasi goreng kampung!
f) Melaka's indians are hot.
g) Never bring your boyrfriend to your vacation. *I mean it!*


Love,
Jacqkie.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Enjoy your holidays yo!

8 Random facts about me:

a) I'm sort-of lactose intolerant, but it's not 100%.

b) I hate jigsaw puzzles! It makes me sleepy and tired bah.

c) I want my own sofa. The single sofa. A sofa that describes me.

d) I name everything I have/own; Travis except for Patrick SSP. Even my assignments!

e) I love books. No, No. I LOVE love books.

f) I believe I'm an environmentalist & practice animal rights. For now, I dont support plastic bottles, plastic bags, having air-conditioners, one-man car, keeping the lights on, animals hunting, caged-zoos, I dont know why! and so many more to come.

g) ..I still dont curse. I'd even go 'what the fish' to avoid it & I still think Honeydews and Avocados taste like lotions!

h) I have a repetitive-disease. I can answer "ya" up to 7times for one question. *blushes*

Do I have to tag? I tag anyone who wants to this can?

P.S: I'm off to Melaka this weekend. I wont dissapoint you with the pictures! Promise!
:)

Love,
Jacqkie.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Them

They pushed themselves around and played with each other's hair. Both wearing simple shirts and trousers. Whispering of things i'd not want to know. She was skinny, short-haired, with thick glasses. Acnes covered most of his face, he has short undefined haircut, and was smiling amusingly, which I assume at his appreciated jokes.

They seem so.. happy? trouble-free? i'd say in love. Puppy love. The really fun puppy love. It never failed to make me smile. It was like a scene I visualized from a book I read, a young couple pleased with each other's companion more than anything in the world. It was everything they thought they needed. Looking at them, love seems so believable and innocent.

I was lost in my thoughts after seeing the young lovebirds. The only thing I remember was asking myself;

.......What. The Hell. Am I. Looking. For. In Them?

How do I summarize of my week? The usual paperworks, and the usual Bridget Jones' moments of course. Self-esteem and ambitions issues will never stop haunting me. This post will be about them. Their appearances in my life and how I loathe them most of the times. Particularly this week.

*If i'm not mistaken I think it was about a week ago that I went to his brithday party. A friendly stranger? 'Oh what the heck-it's free anyway' I thought. I went in, noticed his good features, hid myself in a corner and enjoyed the screams and shrieks they made. He kept looking at me, I saw this from the corner of my eye feeling slightly amused of course. He came towards me, asked the usual how are yous, we talked about 20seconds, someone got his attention and I hide again. Good-looking men are always suspicious. He forced me to sing. again. and again. and again. She came about 2 hours later. And pretty much answered my questions.

Boy Oh Boy, can I read a person's body language like an open book.

..my cousin told me yesterday he wanted me to join them again. I gave her a simple no. He insisted on me coming. I said I dont want, it should make no difference? He insisted again. I insisted more and knew I was right.

*My feet hurts, all I want was to sit in the train, cool myself down, continue my book and listen to my trusty mp3. I was looking for a seat when I saw the only one was next to him. He looked at me, from head to toe, and then smiled peculiarly at me. 'Shit', I sighed but sat next to him nonetheless. The girl infront of me noticed his weird behaviour. She gave me the 'eew' look. Something I bet all girl can understand. I bit my lip, sat and looked the opposite way.

10 minutes later.

I noticed him still smiling, looking at me. I closed my eyes imagining kicking him on the crotch and slapping him real hard. He finally spoked out to me after 15minutes of the ogling. I decided to answer him nicely but my body language contradicts it completely. The five minutes conversation was gross. I tried avoiding his conversation by making my earphones visible enough under my thick hair. He didn't get the message! Irritated, I gave him the cold shoulders.

*He touched my fingers. Oh gosh, it felt like he grabbed it. I thought you can do it without grabbing anyone or anything. I pretended I didnt feel it, and left him in question. I would usually hope it was an accident, and the same goes to this one. I didn't look at him. I knew even an accidental glance would give him ideas. I wanted to know who or what he is, he saw me looking at him. He smiled, as if he understood my response. WTF. I was grossed out and left the place without a trace.

*It was a busy road. So many cars suddenly. One glance. One accidental glance! Stupid mistake I thought! I walked fast. Straight up the road. Pretended I was deaf. I knew it was coming. "HALLO". Shit, I thought. Not again?! He asked for my name and of course my contact number. I answered him nicely still, thinking i've broken all the rules my mum told of.

"Dont talk to strangers!"
"Dont look at them directly in the eyes!"
"Dont even answer them!"


But immediately lied of my name and said no to the dinner and contacting each other suggestions.

*He's nice. He treated me nicely. Trying to make sure I'm always close to him. He started talking about how he's different from the rest. He is funny of course. He likes my companion. It was obvious enough for me to start avoiding the necessary conversations. He started showing a little bit more of him in my life. I like him as a friend. But my instinct tells me it's going somewhere complicated. He started showing how he wants to be close with me. Just me. I refuse to go that path. Not at this time in my life. I have to restructure my relationship with him. Too nice always has its consequences.

Really, what is it am I looking for? and why the heck cant I find it?

Love,
Jacqkie.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

one sweet day

If you've read my previous post, you would have known what kind of position I'm in.

***

The noises outside my room woke me up. I walk out, saw the time. It was 10. Decided to put my clothes into the dryer. I took the toothbrush. Brushed my teeth and gave myself a smile.

Still, not a sincere one. I couldn't help thinking about my post. Was i being such a cry baby for posting it for the whole world to see? Regardless, I posted it already. and I'm never a cry-baby, I confirmed it. It's just a therapy, Jacqkie. Give yourself a break.

I know almost all my posts are hillarious, it's just not right but It's never wrong either. I just thought it would be a big fat lie, hypocrite and selfish of you, if you haven't given yourselves somethings to think about and not to educate people about it, by not blogging your emotions and experiences. Instead just the hillarious moments, like what I do best and most.

I grabbed The Notebook. Switched the TV on. I dont want to watch it. But i switched it on nevertheless, because noises comforts me at this solitary times.

I waved them goodbye realizing i'm literally alone again. I kept on reading The Notebook allowing myself to forget my worries and responsibilities for a while. The book made me realize I'm luckier at this time for not having the significant other to add on my mind. LiteFM is everything I needed, completely depending on it and despised MTV at that moment in time.

I looked at Patrick. Glad I bought him last night. I am a cheapskate or a smart shopper some may call it, for not buying cute things that tingle you, but Patrick I cant resist and with those weeks I've travelled, I thought I deserved something "cute".

I repainted my nails. Sat down, relaxed my head, tranquiled on the couch. Coffee on the table, after weeks of avoiding pure caffeine. I broke into tears. again. Sometimes, I cried at random times. I close my eyes, and saw my trailmarks in life. Thinking, this is the path I've chosen, and this is the path I'll stick to. and this is the path I'll excel, my own way.

As I've told and believed myself; there's no superhero with powers. But there's a hero. The simpler one, who've touched people's lives whether they realized it or not, people aren't dependent on them but wants one in life. Boldly, I think one of them is me.

A celebrity hero once told me, "Giving up isn't about being strong all the time. It's about moving on after a defeat with a great enthusiasm." For that, I've fallen for Magicians more than superheroes. David Blaine, you somehow inspired me.

I shook my head. Looking at what I'm reading. Work. Work. Work. It's amazing how realistic I can be, and these traits are from my mum. Who've single handedly raised us after all these years. But talking to them needs strength too. I couldn't spill everything. Because, what's there to spill?

I barely know how to distinct my thoughts and don't even know where to begin.

I will go out tonight. Do the necessary things to get myself on beat again. Get myself busy with abang, cousins, friends and work. Appreciate more the things I've always appreciate in life. Constantly reminding myself what I'm here for. Believing and empowering my faith, for everything begins and ends with Him.

Last but not least, to smile and breathed, sincerely, again.

Ohh, I love you mummy, abang, and ika, all my family near and far, and my friends who've been my second family in KL. I love you guys so much! :) Thank you, just for every-little thing!


Love,
Jacqkie.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Why?

i dont know where to begin. should i express of how i feel of my weeks that have been damaging everything of me? or should i begin telling you that guilt is eating me inside and all i could see was him, to accept my apology.

i dont understand of everything that i'm going through. i dont know where to begin. i was putting on a mask. i was hiding. from everything and anything. i hurt my jaw by gritting on my teeth too much, hoping, worry mask will not show.

i've been running, climbing, chasing, learning, moving, writing, typing, listening, talking, the list just goes on pretending that it was a routine and not a burden. i know being busy and having tons of work is what it takes in this world. i have always believed that. is this the painful truth?

yes i am tired, of all the drama and hustle and bustle of my busy life. but it feels like stopping for a drink and taking a 5 minutes break really does mean 5 minutes break. temporary and fast. and there I am pretending to be strong and putting on my mask again.

I was on my best of mood today. I put on a simple dark eye shadow instead of my eyeliner. I grabbed my crackers and swore it would be a simple day. But this would be the day I would break down and let it go; of everything.

.......and,

I could hear my heartbeat. i refuse to believe what i just heard. i just held his arms a couple of months ago and i was very certain that everything would be okay... this is impossible. he promised us he would be okay with his giggly assurance!

my eyes were wet and tears dropped when i heard she said his name. i knew what she was going to say. i felt like throwing the phone on the floor and forced her to just stop talking and dont ever ruin my day with such worrying calls. but i couldnt and broke into tears when she finally said it.

.......i hold my tears. trying not to show it to anyone. i did. i really did. i kept everything, until i know i couldn't anymore. i was typing on the computer, doing work like i would normally do but i was still in a huge blur. my mind was in blank, i dont know what to say, what to think and what to do. i felt like running to somewhere and cry my heart out. but there I am dragging myself to school and classes, and work again. pretending it was a routine.

what hurts me the most is the fact that i couldn't go back Sabah and see his family and to his funeral because i have millions of responsibilities on my shoulder. i'm a dissapointment. i'm so sorry jay.. i really don't mean it. i'm crying with all my heart at this moment thinking that i really am sorry, i would give everything just to pay my last respect to you but i cant at this time...

please God i beg you, i give you everything. i dont want my future to be like this. my weakness and my strengths have taken control over me. my family means more than everything in the world to me. it's the only thing that keeps me moving, and it's the only thing that can break me. and at this time around, i beg you not to break me. I need your help. I really do.

I've been crying for a couple of hours now. My eyes are swelling and deep down I still couldn't forgive myself. I should've been there instead of feeling sorry for everything.........

Dear JayJay,

I love you very much and I dont think our aunties and uncles know how cousins' can be best of friends, but as cousins I think all of us have become very close and indirectly dependent on each other. I wasn't very close to you when I was young, but things have changed over the past few years. I have gotten to know you so much more, in fact loved you so much more. I have been spending time with you and laughed and cried with you during your sickness and honestly, I never gave up on you. I wasn't there all the time unlike Abang Ardie, Abang Leander, Kakak Milla, Bryan, Arthur, Aurel, Dodo and Ika, in Sabah and with that I apologize with deepest of my heart for not being there with you when I should've. I prayed for your sickness all the time, but God has decided that this is your time. I will remind myself time and time again, I believe that you're not gone, you're sitting there with God looking down on everyone who has given you hope and joy.

I'm sorry I couldn't pay my last respect and it has broken me into pieces, eating me inside. I dont know if this is forgivable of myself. I love you and I believe so did everyone that has touched your life or the other. I bid you goodbye and may you'll rest in peace like you've always needed.

It has been some crazy weeks for me. And this one was the last blow. I broke into tears knowing that it would make me feel better. It did, honestly just abit. Right now, I'm still wondering why am I here sucking in so many things at this moment in time.

Why?

Love,
Jacqkie.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

my head wing-wing after this message!

If you noticed my friendster, i put there on my profile. "and I do welcome messages."

..but daily messages? by random people? telling me how their day was? and know i'm not going to reply them? just making me feel like i'm a helpline operator?

I tell you these people are "amusing", I shall say. particularly this person. which i wont mention his friendster's name. he send me messages almost everyday. sometimes, up to 6 messages a day. *gritting teeth*


-.-

and i dont have the tiniest slightest no-nothing clue at all who's this fella. but he keeps on sending me messages. blardy tons of them! *shakes head*.

as much as I feel like replying him with cold-mean sarcasm while using the MTV girls' language (like seriously, can you like, erm, like, not message me anymoreh or sumthang?)

but, I simply cant resist the entertainment I get from his messages! I know I'm mean, but please do enjoy!

Original message:

"i feeling hot ... and body very paint ...
hot inside, cool out side ..
(deciphering.....)
head ... sure wing wing (???) now lah ...
still can online??
(...is he asking me?)
sick only , not yet goinh died, nvm 1, no need go clinic , i no need mc, i need to work tomorrow ..
finance problem ?
actually i salary aslo no too low la, near 3k now ...
(aisehmen!)
why got problem ?
i bankrup before, after i try to have a own
business... (good effort)
how much credit now?
i think 50k kua, hope can clear in 2-3 year...
i know when i lonely i can find friend..
(don't we all wish that?)
but cannot every time aslo (!!!) ask friend spend what? (???)
i so (does he mean aslo?) save money liao, no anything hobby, i only choice online, farmming (???) to pass time after work ..
i no so like to read, but this a the time for me
(AMEN!) , cos with out reading and learn , no people can teach me, now day when walk out from home door is money... (this one I think I know what he means..)
dont asking me find money, i know which out money cant find money... (hmm, very deep)
i know here can meet girl friend (i think they are other victims as well), even know 1 real friend here aslo (!!!!!!!!!) not easy..
what can i do ...
give face then talk with me here lo...
(but communication barrier...?)
so sleepy liao..
eat panadol just now ..
must go sleep lah ..
take care ."

*SEE!! shakes head.. again*

Love,
Jacqkie.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

What's SO interesting about PC Fair?!

Friday. Uncle Joannes, Aunty Moun, Bayen, Jenny and Cilla left the house for Singapore at 7 in the morning I think. I was asleep at that time but i heard noises. I crawled back under my blanket. Finally. a me time. With Hacchoo (my cat that sneezes all the timeeee) sleeping next to me.

I plan to wake up at 9 something today. And I did. I pour trix and chocolate milk in the bowl. Hacchoo looked at me. I know she wants me to feed her. I just realized future can be the replica of today. I care so much about my studies & work that it scare me sometimes. I will be the 40 year old single career woman, living with Hacchoo.

I switched to E! news, while thinking what a sad thing to go to church alone today, but brushed it off seconds later, and ate a fullspoon of the cereal.

..when I saw his head in between the gates. I walk to the door only to find him smiling and laughing at my blur-ness. I was still not sure whether that was him.

He opened the gate.

I felt so happy, confused, sleepy, hungry, surprised and sad all at the very same time.

My brother came down to PJ! I was of course thrilled thinking that he came down just to surprise me and temankan me for the weekend when he had this excited face and said;

"Jom, pigi PC Fair. Get ready now."

I felt like slapping him then and there. Rupanya-rupanya he wants to go to PC fair! nevertheless, he's here, i thought. I decided to follow him despite the piling homeworks on my study table. Screw it. I thought.

Of course PC fair isn't my thang. I felt like leaving my brother alone roaming there while I go shopping in KLCC. But I can't do that. It would be purposeless to go to KL without following him. Besides, some nerds and savvy lovers are real cute yo! ;)

The human jam was brutal. Like oh my gosh seriously, I can really smell all the good stuffs in the world, sweat, hair gel, armpit smell, bad-breath. Ahh. This is how it smells feels like to be very close to some random people, okay. In this case, millions of guys. *widens eyes*

It was a sweet-tiring day. I managed to get myself a head-band, a ring, and a bracelet.

Mummy's not coming down to KL. Very sad :( Christmas will be different this year. I wont be around my besties and other relatives. If you'll be around your family for the holidays this year, imma strangle you if you dont celebrate it with them. Heh, you know I wontlar.

*...makes I'm watching you gesture*

:P

I was thinking of joining the carolling team. But internship is very important I dont know whether I can juggle both at the same time. with classes! *shakeshead!*

I need to get back to my work. and some Jacqkie's music. My brother's been playing alot of international music in the car that i've gotten dumb and deaf for a while just now. Because I dont understand them at all, and all I did was listen to whatever they sang. I like it, it's interesting really. His taste in music is very..

..those "elitist" style, I call it.

Love,
Jacqkie.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Dear Jason Wade,

I have loved your band for so long, 7 years to be precise and I honestly do still adore you guys. I personally think that I have been an awesome fan to your band by buying not-so original CDs of yours and listening most of your songs from the Internet these past few years. *Looking at Ares*

I'm sorry i couldnt come clean here, for fear of having all those blogging cause-effect drama hold up against me. But you get what I mean right? :) i'll spelled it out. P.I.R.A.T.E.D!

What I'm trying to say is, I think i'm falling for someone else. Or some-band else. I still do love you (particularly you, YOU hot stuff) and your band so so much and i guess i will always do. I thought Snow Patrol got me last few months with Signal Fire, but it didnt got me on hold and it didnt "sparked" an effect that i'd want a band can create in me.

So i searched for songs. More and more songs. I know my MP3 player is packed with all the out of the world songs, from Michael Jackson to Kris Dayanti, and (not just yours') it is only because MP3 Players are only supposed to feed my mood you know? Somehow, sometimes i do feel like a Lil'Kim with a little bit of an attitude and some Spice Girls for memories and some Bob Marley, visualizing my dream vacation with Margarita or Daiquiri in between my fingers.....

Can I get an Aaa-men???


To everyone reading, if you say you love music, how can you talk smack of other genres and in denial that you actually need all those other genres really?

I have yet to tell you who managed to grab my attention after years of being your no.1 band's fan. I still am but currently I am their no.1 fan, too.

I hope this band wont be out in MTV and "gracing" the cover pages of any magazines in Malaysia in the near future. I am still learning more about them and still hogging for their songs in the Internet. Somehow, once you're in loved with a celebrity or a band it's annoyingly hillarious to see other people talking all-that about them just because they are already famous.

I thought liking them was just the usual 15 minutes ga-ga. But i cant seem to stop myself from playing their songs over and over and over and over again.

I was watching Laguna Beach when I heard that song. And it was Kissing The Lipless that wowed me. Next thing i know, i have almost 15songs of this band's in my playlist. At that time, i was still wasnt sure who these bunch of musicians were and researching about them that made me fall for them. As they say, Tak Kenal Maka Tak Cinta :P

Here goes.


Oh ya. Does anyone has The L word by the way? One of my favourite actor Eric Lively apparently is in it. I would love to see the L word too though. Heard ALOT about it. Homosexuality is always intriguing, no? So please let me know if you have that DVD readers! Thanks a bunch! :)


Love,
Jacqkie.