Wednesday, July 11, 2007

His anniversary

my head was heavy. i was very close to surrender my whole body to the couch. until, i saw the date. today's date. it was the only date that will always bring back the painful vague memories.

11th of July. the date that changed my life. me. and everything around me. especially my family.

exactly nine years ago, my brother and I were crushed into millions of pieces, like a piece of glass thrown into the floor carelessly. it was the day we found out the man who made it all happen for us... gone. just like that. taken by the angels, leaving us hating the unbelievable burden on the shoulder he left upon us.

my beautiful dad passed away this day, 1998. the day that i cant think of a single reason why God wanted him to leave us. we were very young and my sister barely even knew him. my mother was busting her-self in UM chasing for her Masters for a better tomorrow. life is supposedly to be joyous and un-complicated at that time!
questions. endless questions that bothered me everyday of my life ever since he was gone.

will i ever be happy again?
will my sister have a great childhood just like every kid should?
will my sister be as strong as me?
will my mum give up?
will i look up at my brother the way i looked up at him?
will we make him proud?
will we be okay?
will everything be different?
..will i be strong?

i saw myself sobbing and mourning with total confusion and hatred in me this time around back then. thinking whether this was real? thinking whether this was fair? wishing so-damn-badly every second this was just a horrible dream.
but it wasnt. he was lying there peacefully as if he wanted the rest. and he was still the most beautiful man i have ever known and loved. i realized i love him more than i thought i have. i should have shown it every day, when he still could see and feel it! i regret!

....i was practically dragging myself to school, weeks after his heart-twisting funeral. it felt like happiness was completely sucked out of my life. i felt empty, hopeless and dangerously-sad. future was a huge blur. my brother was furious. and my baby sister was still hoping.

if you knew what my family had gotten through these years you would have understand how my character, personality, abilities, strengths and weaknesses built up like today.


drugs, failures, corruptions, uncertainty in life and giving up is not even an option.

at this moment, i'm where i want to be with the perfect vision in my head because of my beautiful dad. it was a painful blessing in disguise and a torturous journey behind us, but i'm happy how his precious babies turned out to be :) i may not be enjoying the comfy office-seat now, but i will and i promise daddy, mummy, abang and jessy i will carry my simplicity and humbleness along the journey, because you guys taught me too.


the best part about it, i'll struggle just like you did. and you, daddy, taught me that.



Love,
Jacqkie.

3 comments:

Kibeth said...

*goes over to jacqkie and hugs her close*

it's okay to cry and be sad about this, because it one of the ways you know that you still remember, because you need to, right? Thats what I always tell myself when sorrow comes sweeping over.

It'll be okay, love. He's watching over you and you've made it so far, brilliantly now.

Hang in there love.

DeGiRL said...

Jac Babe,
My deepest condolences to you and your family, and my most heartfelt congratulations to your courage and vision all these years.

You have inspired me greatly though you may not have realised it.. I respect and love you for being you, and am thankful that you are the blessing in my life...

Carry on being strong Jac, and stay close to the Lord, walking with Him throughout your life's journey. :)

I am here any time you need me. always will be.

Luv u babe!!

Jacqkie! said...

kibeth & DeGirl: Thank you so much to both of you. Seriously, i really thank God for making both of yours and my paths crossed.

For everything you've done, said and not done nor said. Thanks!

Last but not least, I love both og you. Like really. :)