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no we're not freaks.

I remembered a couple of years ago, this time around i would most probably fight with mummy about church and stuffs. I would defend myself of not joining the christian camp and everything, back then my brother was already this "born again" christian.

It was so unfair. My brother decided to become this "born again" Christian after two services and the consequences? My mum forced me to change into something like that too. It was as if i was the bad one back then. I dont like the fact that you had to go to all the camps or join in the activties to be called a 'good christian' and i have always confronted my mum on that. She would never understand what i meant and i would never understand her point.

When i first moved to KL, the first few nicest people around to me, were my brother's friends. They brought me to church and made sure i wont be exposed to all these "bad stuffs" that could change me and all. no one knew how strong i was except for myself. And i really mean this, no one knew it.

I hated the fact that i had to go to Church alone with some nice strangers treating me real nice. It was extremely awkward. I hated the fact that i had to be real nice to them because this is a "christian community". I didn't like that all. I wanted way out from that. Fast.

I felt as if i was faking myself.

The next week, i decided from then onwards i would go to weekend masses with my cousin. She stayed in Section 14 and i was staying in Redzuan Condo. It costed me RM15 to go to her place and another RM10 from her place to mine everyweekend. It was sad, but somehow i felt waaay better going to church with her than anyone else. I dont need to fake myself and all i had to do was relax.

My mum didn't really like the idea because she taught i was running away from the people from the other church so that i dont have to go to christian meetings and all that. Boy, was she right.
That's exactly how i felt, but i couldnt tell it to her straight forward.

I didn't denied it, but told her something else that was true too instead- it was a favour for my cousin too as she goes to weekend masses every weekend, alone. Alternatively, i should go with her, so instead of both of us going Masses alone everyweekend, might as well go together right? My mum finally said yes to it and let me do what i had to do, although i knew she knew i wasnt ready for all the "Christian exposure".


***I just got back from church feeling peaceful and awesome. I got a call from my brother's friend yesterday asking me to join them in a Christian Group every friday night. I didn't doubt for a second, i immediately said yeah. I'm now in the committee in my college's Christian Fellowship- not forced by anyone and i loved the meetings. I'm doing my part for lent and i even talked to people about Christianity. I encouraged people to go to church especially my cousins every week.

See how much i've grown? And even when i talk to mum on the phone nowadays, she was surprised herself that i was in this Christian Fellowship thingy. Everytime i tell her about this stuff, she would ask me whether i have a crush on anyone on the group. She couldn't believe me at times and insisted that i'm going it for someone else. Haha. Even my mum doesn't believe the me now.

Do you know what's my perception of these group of people before?
That they're freaks for talking about Christianity and stuffs, that they just want to show off that they're nice people, that they are abit too much, and that it's ridiculous to feel the presence of God and everything. that they are lame for making Christian jokes and their games are kiddies.
and that they're not cool because they dont sin and stuff.

I was so wrong. So sooo soo wrong. And i asked for God's forgiveness for that.

I miss my family so much every single day, and when i go to church, that's where i feel like home. Because i go to church every weekend with them as it's an obligation.
I used to be shy of singing. But when in church, everyone there just dont care. Singing was praising, not a competition. I feel really comfortable.
I was scared of everything in KL, the people, the malls, the public transport. everything.
But saying "God please take care of me", meant so much more now, because now i really need it.

I finally know what my brother sees in Christianity. I finally understood it. and i'm glad i found it myself, the hard way. Instead of people propagating them to me. Nah, thats not how i do it.

Let me find 'myself' by MYSELF.

Evidently, i am not cool. But i couldn't care less, because i dont want to follow the majority, and what is cool anyway?
Evidently, i am a proud christian but i look like you too and i talk about the show you watched too.
Evidently, i dont make sex like you do, but i do know the positions and everything about sex like you too.
Evidently, i party too it's just i wake up extra early on Sunday Mornings to profess my faith and actually believe in it.
Evidently, i do make Christian Jokes. and laugh at mean jokes too.


My principle: "And they'll know we are Christians by our love".

Exactly. People will love me for my behaviour towards them and will love Christian because of that too. I dont have to tell them about Christian. I dont have to influence or persuade them. Just be myself and love every single living thing on earth. The message will come across.
And loving Christians never meant having faith on Christian, just love and accept us. Because that's what i did to all the religion in the world, i really hope they see that in me. my biggest dream is that , everyone does the same thing too.

So the next time you see/know some really religious people. remember me.
I'm normal, they're normal. and no we're not freaks.

:)

Love,
Jacqkie.

Comments

Anonymous said…
at least you still go to church.. every weekends..

i seldom go to church since habis SPM.

i go to sembahyang only when i feel guilty.

hahaha
hahaha. wicked.
Anonymous said…
sometimes i do think about that kie, yg if i didnt join the group or meetings kah whatever, that means im not a good christian la kan?
Anonymous said…
bf sa bilang dia mo ikut 2 christian group every friday...sa takut dia tejumpa hot chix pula d sna...hahahaha.budu
haha. you know what? that happened to me. but who cares, if you go then maybe YOU can find cute guy instead. herm, what am i teaching people?

haha.

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