Wednesday, January 31, 2007

to THAI or not to THAI

I'm not a "Selangorian". Back in KK we dont have public holidays for Thaipusam. All these year i would watch the Thaipusam celebration in TV and get awed by all the really realllllly reallllllly unique guys with all the metals sticking out on their face and skin.

now THAT is cool!

Today i finally been given the chance to go to Batu Caves and watch these people myselfs!!!

Unfortunately, i cant make it.

My mom thinks it's too dangerous to go there as there'll be a MASSIVE crowd and i need to finish up my assignments. She knows i love cultural things and traditions, so it was a moody thing for me not to go there. She asked me to be realistic, give the Hindus the chance to take my place. So i let go of the opportunity to watch the peoples and experience the celebration in Batu Caves.

I tell you, someone should bring me to Penang one day and let me experience this unique celebration.

To Petrina: thanks for inviting me, although you barely knew me. Invite me next time. Infact invite me all the time to these celebrations! Love you!

now THIS is ART.


Tuesday, January 30, 2007

cook for Love

Cooking is my latest interest or should i say kinda my latest hobby.

in case you're wondering, nope, i haven't killed anyone with my cooking so far and yes i can cook ANYTHING! well basically anything here means from vegetables to meat to fish only lar.

Basically the interest started when i just moved in to my cousin's place. I was broke and i was at home during the long school holidays waiting to go back to KK.

One morning, as I was scanning through the fridge, then hey, a thought came to mind; maybe i should start cooking lunch for myself, noted that it was only 11am in the morning at that time, if the cooking turns shit i could still have a McDelivery!
So i chopped some meat and washed and cleaned some vegetables and was pretty much ready to cook after that. Of course, i cook when i'm in KK but i wasn't really given the chance to cook a proper meal. All the chickens and the fishs were marinated already and all i need to do was basically to just move my arms on the pan and get burned by the heat. That's all. Plus, my mum spoiled me too much when i'm at home, she wouldn't really let me cook.

I know? i'm soo lucky right

..So i was saying, i readied everything, from the veggies to the meat, to the Oyster Sauce, to the eggs, to the salt to the pepper... everything!

For your information, I was pretty skeptical at first, thinking i could die of eating my own food, but well what the heck, if anything happens my cousin is around anyway. *wink*

So i started mixing all these stuffs together and started cooking things using NOTHING but my basic knowledge of cooking which is...! "bawang first". and i pretty much know nothing after that. *grins*

I enjoy cooking. I really really do. The fact that i'm experimenting "things" was scary fun! My food taste great (exceptional of the days where i need to rush), i created the recipes on my own, and i'm beginning to eat more veggies because of this (it's the cheapest oh-haha)!
I've cooked for my cousins and they loved it.

I heard guys nowadays tend to love cooking more than women.

to all the Ladies out there
, Cooking is FUN! i'm serious! I know when your mum say it it sounds not-believable but i'm serious it's fun! coming from an 18year old city girl. Just don't kill anyone and make sure the foods are not expired.
*raises eyebrow*

Love+ Love cooking,

i SPEAK photoshop too!

BEFORE (check out the pimples!)
AFTER (check out the SMOOTH skin!)

give me a PC without internet with Adobe Photoshop in it i would most probably go to Microsoft Word and start typing some random words or maybe if i'm bored enough i would start drawing things on it. MICROSOFT WORD people!!!!

How sad was that?

But hey, that was back then. uhuh BACK THEN.
Now, i can officially say i'm pretty good at photoshop. *blink eyes real fast at you*

I know! it's such an exciting thing right? I was a total Photoshop dumba** before but not anymore. I've edited some of my pictures, MODIFIED it, enhanced it, IMPROVED it.. yeay yeay yeay yeay yeay..

now i Like photoshop! *SMILES WIDELY*

Well, purrrty much thanks to Ms Thong.
*imitating Ms Thong* : "Hey, I shay hands OFF the mouse!(-_-) Hands OFF! Hands OFF!"



(Not an expert, just a lover-beginner of Photoshop)

Monday, January 29, 2007

Puuuuuurrrfect is SEXY

Friend 1: So, tell me... Who's the lucky guy now?
Me: Rite. Trying to make me feel good ah.
Friend 1: Kinda. Hahahaha. Nah, Seriously?
Friend 1: Serious? Since when did you become so choosy when it comes to boys?
Me: Since last year.
Friend 1: Ouch.

It's true. I was not really that choosy when i was in high school. I dont know why. Maybe it's because it's HIGH SCHOOL. Two words that pretty much explain all the crazy and stupid things we used to do, right? Anyway, when my friend asked me that question i was pretty surprised myself. I mean i have never been so much of a "choosy" when it comes to boys. Until, last relationship. And he pretty much knock me on the head with that question. According to my cousin, i need someone who can take care of me. Who can always look after me (as i can be very absent minded and DUMB sometimes). oh wait...most of the times.

Friend 1: So what type of boys you're looking at here?
Me: Are you sure you want to ask me that question?
Friend 1: yeah. Why not?
Me: He must be a Catholic, not thin-not fat, Kind Hearted, Smart, Responsible, Funny, Loves sports (televised or the real thing-hehe), Family Orie..
Friend 1: we are NOT talking about the Marriage kind of guy!
Me: *thinking* Shit. he's right. Errr... actually any guy will do.
Friend 1: RITE!
Me: NO. Not any guy will do. *looking down*

I read once in CLEO Magazine that to get to Mr.Right you must go through all the MR. Wrongs. Of course i know it's true in a way you can handle any boy situation after that right? I understand. But it's soooo much waste of TIME, ENERGY and MONEY. I dont want that. I want easy access!


Nah, just kidding. To all the boys i said NO to, i'm so sorry. You have nothing that i'm looking for. Okay maybe some of you might have a BIT of what i'm looking for, but right now i dont think i even KNOW what I AM looking for. *sigh*

Perfect is so sexy.

Nah, Just Kidding. Who am i to date a perfect GUY?


Friday, January 26, 2007

OLD PICS i received

Aren't they the cutest?

erm, i'm already drunk by this time.

Got lucky this night too.. ;)
NOT- what you're thinking though!


FRIEDay night

I was hoping i could party tonight with my cousins but here i am blogging and feeling sad for myself. I know, i should come up with a good explanation of why i'm not 'dancenggggg' around and drowning myself with drinks right now right? There's toooo many drama going on today/ tonite that partying is not a good idea nomore.

I went for the first Christian Fellowship of Taylor's College gathering today. Before you raise your eyebrows and think "what happen to Jacqkie?"... yes, i am in Taylor's College's Christian Fellowship group. and no, no one forced me into this. and yes i love it. I love the feeling of getting involved in something very peaceful and getting to know all the nice people in the world. I love it. i know it's abit of a surprise for you all to know this but it's time for you to know it.

I'm a strong christian. ( Now you can laugh- just not infront of me lah)
*though it may contradict with my previous post on how i love to party* ehemmmm.

i think we should not look at people on their sins but on their faith. right?
anyway, watching Audrey and Sway(not christians) joining in was awesome too.
"They'll know we are christians by our love"- obviously no one dragged them, they just want to know what's it about the religion me and some of my classmates are in.

Our religion's specialty? Think Denise, me and Nathalie. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Okaylah maybe you can scrape off my name.

Later in the evening, we had a joyride to KLIA to pick up my cabin-crew MAS cousin, unfortunately the opposite environment followed in too when she got into the car. She was in a bad mood affecting the rest in the car, which means the whole time on the way back to KL was me shutting up and thinking about food. AND more food of course. I was desperately hungry but i couldn't complain as everyone was trying to feed the akward silence in the car. I had to wait for almost an hour when we're about to reach my place to voice out "I'm hungry". and finally got fed. Thank God for that.

So instead of going out tonite, my cousin's boyfriend left us in front of the house to somewhere else, which i think to his friends' place to sulk and weep again. He was in a bad mood after that so he had to cancelled the outing to club. me and my other cousin on the other hand sat around doing nothing at house-thinking which guy to drag now. Since i'm still here blogging i guess ya'll know the outcome of it. EVERYONE'S BUSY. or so we thought they were. riteeee...

My two other cousins had a fight too. not a big one but a small silly awkard one. I dont get involve, wouldn't and never want too.

I should get back to my assignments now right?


Thursday, January 25, 2007

girl in a crowd

I used to hate bus rides going back home, it's tiring i know. But, nowadays i Love it more than ever. I took the Redzuan bus back home last semester and quietly enjoyed it. Now too.

For your information, no one knew i love people more than myself. No one knew i love to mix around with all the different peoples and groups and get to know them better except for me. I'm not friendly, it's just i learn alot by mixing around with all the different people around. And i personally believe that learning is the best "ability" i possesed ever.

I used to be the Gossip Queen in any crowd, i would talk bad about people i just met a couple of minutes ago in a girl gathering, dear gosh it's something i am VERY NOT proud of now. I would talk to the haters, the girls, the boys, the hated, loved and the envied. Everyone of them.
I've judged them before and it was a childish thing to do.

Now, i now that it is impossible to love and be loved by every/any kind of group in the world. IMPOSSIBLE. No matter how fake you try to be and no matter how true you are, still not everyone will like you.

I learn alot by taking the public transport i hate the most everyday. I learn alot by mixing with alot of new people. I learn alot by listening to people bad mouthing about other people. I learn alot when i hear people whining and complaining when they dont realize they're the problem themselves. I learn alot when i was loved/ hated. I learn alot when i'm alone or in the crowd. I learn alot when i listen to people's opinions instead of sharing mine. I learn alot being the follower. I learn alot by forgiving those bitches that hurt me. I learn alot by moving here. i even learn alot when i keep quiet.

Interesting how life touches my brain and heart right?

I'm a deep thinker though it doesn't show in my face or maybe even clothes?... i still think i'm a deep thinker. I dont really share my opinions and most importantly i listen to people's instead.

Long walks, bus rides, being alone most of the time, keeping quiet, taking public transport alone which all these i hated the most is fortunately a blessing in disguise. I'm a better person and i know that for sure because i myself confirmed it. No one else needs to. That's all i need to know.


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

that naughty side

I am a party girl.

I have a low profile in college. I dont say much, dont act much and dont move around much.

I would stay around in the library, looking for useful and important books for classes, i'm a comp freak at times, and i would jot down all the notes in class, and try hard to stay awake for lectures. I must say i'm abit of a nerd in college. Or should i say during daytime. I spend my days thinking about alot of things from my transportation today to the dinner i'm supposed to cook. Most of my friends classify me as the SERIOUS bee.

I have so many things to figure out, that sometimes i would be in a blur mode which is very very annoying at times where i had to ask people to repeat themselves when they talk to me or make it very clearly what they're trying to say. I'm the last person you'd like to bump or chill out with during the day.

I have nothing to say! i space out most of the time or in worst cases, i would take out my notes in front of a 'chilling out session' and read them too kill time. *Nods head* I KNOW. a very sad case right?

During the weekends or weekdays, i'm talking about every night of the week here people, when people especially my close friends and cousins go out, I would be in their speed dial. They call me for clubs, bars and pubs especially during the weekends and saying NO to clubs is NOT me according to them.

When i'm in the club, i dont wait for you to say HI, i would go up to you and pretend you're a very close friend of mine, I dont wait for people to drag me to the dancefloor i GO myself, i rolled my eyes to those who stare, i would flirt with every random cute guy, when they like me, i would ignore them, and let them chase me for the night, i'd give my numbers if they asked me, i'd say yes to every drink that was bought for me, i'm a sexy biatch and most importantly i'm the most confident girl for the night, even all the Liang Mois would look at me with "who's that girl?" expression. I'm not kidding. That's how different i am when i party. I just shut down my tired mind when i party and partying is all that's left in my head. I drink carelessly and made a total embarassment of myself in front those i party with sometimes.

And all these coming from a girl who barely says anything bad or even make eye contacts to any boy in college or the mall most of the times?

The next day, i would wake up regretting giving away my numbers to all those guys. Eventhough they're some rich engineers with good bod. I never wanted to look for guys in bars, it's the last place for me to find them there. I'd be thinking twice even if they only want to make friends with me, because i know no one wants just that. HAVING FUN with "them" on the other hand is just what i want that night. no physicals please dont get me wrong.

So now you know that i'm two totally different creature day/ night, party and serious time. I know it sounds normal but trust me, it's not if you KNOW the real me.

Cousin 1: wah, you can party girl! Lawala.
Cousin 2: yabah, kalau sama kami di rumah Kuai-Kuai seja. Tida bising pun.
Me: ehe. Just having fun.
Cousin 3: FUN?? that's naughtyla, girl.
Me: time party seja bah.
Cousin 1: yalah tuh, macam la kami mau pecaya!
Me: *thinking, BUT IT IS!*


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

you're so pathetic

Something funny happened today. I mean are you serious?? Who do you think you are trying to mould that little creature into something new? It was perfect before and i couldnt understand the logical reasons you would do that. I just dont understand. It has never been broken, it has been the most awesome thing ever until u came. What a pathetic creature you are.

Monday, January 22, 2007

dance with me

Case 1-
MR. X: Come let's dance with me! *smiles*
Me: NO.

Case 2-
MR.Y: Can i join u dance?
Me: Sure! (then ignored him completely).

Case 3-
MR.Z: *dancing towards me*
Me: *running away from him*

i have a confession to make,
I DONT DANCE WITH guys/boys/ men. I just dont.

I would break their hearts by ignoring them or pretending they're not there when they ask me to dance with them. I know i'm mean, but i just dont like dancing with boys.
They smell, they're gross and very scary sometimes. *shhhhhh-*

My missions this year on this dancing problem:

a) obviously to say yes first to boys who ask me.
b) to dance confidently and comfortably(rite..) with the guy.
c) to be able to dance/ tease with a guy friend. although he's not a close friend.
d) to just have fun with the guy i dance with.

....Oh come on, who am i kidding?



Friday, January 19, 2007


My cousin: Hey, nice to meet you. Just want to say hi and ask you, do you go to *** for weekend masses? do you mind if you add my cousin in friendster too?
MR.A: hye there. sure. but why doesn't she add me herself? *and more blahs of course*

Okay, this conversation was not in my knowing. i was so shocked when my cousin woke me up at 2.AM just to show the message this guy replied her. DEAR LORD! the embarassment!!!!!

I used to have a huge crush on him. okay maybe still do.. but only tiny crush now. seriously!

this guy is no ordindary okay? he used to go to the same masses with me in this church and went for the Sunday Mass nowadays instead. Yeah, first time i saw him, i hought he was cute and all that... but when i saw him in a TV show, i was flipped, shocked and went jawdropped!

there goes my chance to actually talk to him. BUT my cousin here, msged him PERSONALLY and said i fancy him alot and would wish to talk to him and everything.

ALAMAK, malunyerrrrrrr..

So i was thinking of not EVER going to the church again and i bet you if we stumbled upon him, my cousins would go up to him and introduce me to him.

That's the last thing i would ever want to happen. *slapping my forehead*
This is by far the most embarassing thing anyone has ever done unto me!

I wont go to that Church again! I wont check my friendster again! NEVER!!!!!!

nah, i'm just kidding. I'll shake it off. or wont go out from my house ever again.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

i HAVE a SAD face?

3/5 of my friends would say i have a sad face. And i don't really know how they define sad in this case.

Well, okay, i admit, i'm not much of a talker nowadays and you wouldn't actually see glow in my eyes when i talk to you. I just don't have that in me. For some reason, they would conclude it as me having problems.

Funny how i thought i would easily fall into depression, because i have so many things suppresed inside and being so optimistic about everything or every problem i came across with, i guess it does show in my face without me knowing it.

I'm not saying i'm in a depression now, it's just there are so many things i need to figure out, adjust and adapt to now. SO bloody MANY of them. I am still an optimist dont get me wrong and i guess i'll always be.

**When i'm with you, i would probably be gone space out or have nothing much to say, that doesn't mean i'm sad.
When you're talking and i kept looking at you but not so sure what to answer, that doesn't mean i'm blur, i'm just thinking of something else that bothers me that time.
When you ask me something, and i answered something else that doesn't mean i have so many things in my mind, it just means i'm not relax YET.

Kill me if you must but sometimes i wish i was a 'Paris Hilton' and the world is under my feet and all I need to do is LIVE; where money making is pointless, shopping is a hobby, singing ignorantly brings benefit, poses for fun, and showing aBIT of your skin gets you more fans.

But i'm no 'Paris Hilton'. and i guess this 'SAD' face is stucked with me forever even though i feel like i'm the greatest woman alive to be able to ovecome all the trials and temptations and still breathing somehow the relief still DOESNT SHOW in my face!!! WHY?

i guess i'm too laid back and careless and ignorant about other people's perception of me or what i'm thinking and most importantly i DO HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS that i'm denying it to myself, that i forgot to bring smiles in my face and pretend i'm enjoying the moment when all i have in mind is thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts!

I DONT HAVE A SAD LIFE when you see my sad face, my life is just filled with interesting twist and turns with spices in it, and i'm glad i took this road but somehow my hormones unconsciously shows it in my face instead of anywhere else.

haha....say what?


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

enjoy your FOODs people!

I love food and i love watching people enjoying their meal or food.

i mean okay, who else nowadays would eat and feel awesome after the meal?
Let me guess, NONE?

i'm a bit different when it comes to food and stuffings. I LOVE TO LOOK AT PEOPLE WHO ENJOY THEIR MEAL!! i soooo do. It has definitely been something very rare to see nowadays, i mean people are so stucked in their diet programs that they forget to eat proper meals and even if they're not stucked in it, they would feel bad even before thinking to eat. I dont hate them or anything, it just bores me to know it.

**I was eating in KFC with two of my cousins just now. It excites me to look at my very gorgeous slim cousin eating her heart out, using her hands to eat the fried chickens then licking them, and galloping cheesy wedges one by one and finished it eventually, while dipping her bun in the tomato sauce. in short, enjoyed her meal!

This is a very weird fetish of mine but i find it very blissful to look at them enjoying their meal without worrying about anything (around them only-and their face) of course! It's as if everything about food during that period is forgiven. EVERYTHING! from the calories to the sugars, they're alllllll forgiven!

It's obviously not a forgivable meal, CHEESE? and BUN? together? it's abit too wrong but when you enjoy your meal everything is a happy thing or forgotten.

My brother would be the best entertainment for me on the dining table or when we're eating together. And he's definitely the ultimate super-BEST eating buddy. Not only that he can eat, but he can also choose the foods. You know when you're in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress looked, stared and waited for your order kinda thing? -that's what i meant of not knowing how to order...but he so knows! with all the side orders ofcourse.

Wow, i thought it's such a bad trait to be able to eat a lot but u know what, seeing their expression and most importantly their expression of contentment was more filling than anything else. My brother has been very popular with his eating habit among our family, when he doesn't eat, we don't feel like eating.

Listening to my brother explaining which sauce taste well with which meal/meat or looking at him looking at his meal excitedly is something joyous. .....seriously!

I do understand the situation of people who are on diets now, i mean i wish i would go on diets too like you guys, and have the discipline and all, but you know what, i guess the feeling of going on a diet should come at it's right time, and it's definitely NOT now for me.
(here goes chubby me!)

if you do want to go on diets you will always have my blessing, as long as it's a healthy one, NEVER a crash diet, and smoking and drinking your heart out to replace missing companions or other meals should not be in it. NEVER!

if you love eating (and that means eating only the basic 3 meals a day-not more!) with smiles and gratitude would be more of my thang than any of the diets or foods from expensive restaurants or hotels can replace.

remember, ONLY 3meals a day not more not less. I dont suggest eating alot and neither am i supporting diets. I just want you to... ENJOY your meal. That's it :)

i love the people's love for food. it's such a happy and pleasent thing to see!

Love +food enthusiast,

Saturday, January 13, 2007

let's make anti-perverts campaign!

Have you ever been stared/ looked at from head to toe with a very nasty look on their face? been whistled/ made rat sounds which sounds like "tshush-tshush" by people you passed by? been whispered "hye sayang/ hye liang moi/ fewit/ wow"? been followed by random people just so that they can take a good look at you? been smiled at with a very not normal-kind of friendly expression on their face? been pushed for no reason or even been brushed shoulders by people in a very SPACIOUS place? have you?


if you don't know or realize these are perverts, remember it all comes down to..
.... the feeling of gross at them after the gestures or actions they made to you or others.

i've experience all these nasty things and more, that i am seriously-so seriously, had enough of it. They which also means Perverts in this case, have no respect for people and some may have lost their common sense already due to highness-drugs consumption (this is the dangerous one!).

i hate it when they do all the things i mentioned above to girls/ boys/ mom/ kids.. okay everyone can be the victim.... right?

perverts, i bet never ever understands that WE the victims of these "pervertness" DO NOT like the cheeky smiles and verbals they convey to us. WE DO NOT like it, i repeat, DO NOT LIKE IT.

*exceptional in clubs/pubs, that's the whole idea of clubbing- ehem which i do too-and ehem it's claimed to be a MUTUAL thingy* whatever you do in clubs/ pubs stays there!

I mean in LRTs, Commuters, drivers on the roads who are willing to stop and cause slow jam just to take a good look at the sexy girls along the road, waiters/ waitress, shops trainee, receptionist, toilet cleaners, DATUKs-DATUKs, everyone and if you are one of them, quit being a pervert now!

I am a very very very ANTI-perverts girl. a stare, a look, a glance, a headturn, a cheeky smile or a body contact will already make me uneasy. i know i sound like a married old woman, but i guess it's just one of my donts when you're with me.

a glance means 3 seconds glancing.
an unintentional eye contact means 1 second EYE contact, more?, it's a STARE!
body contacts happens only in very very packed places. this one what to do la...
and if you want to start a flirt, giving cheeky smiles to strangers are unacceptably akward!

so if there's any anti-perverts girls/ boys/ woman/ men (nothing is impossible) reading this, take note that i am with you and you have my blessing if you dislike them as much as i do.

perverts should be ban!

i think i should repent now, i cant love all God's creatures unfortunately. daym.
*uhuh, you didn't see it from me- wink*


Love, Jacqkie.

Friday, January 12, 2007

my definition of love

"....but your picture on my wall,
it reminds me.. that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
..." - Dido, Thank You.
i had an interesting conversation with my cousin today. It was about sister to sister relationship. before you yawn as ya'll know i love to talk about my sister, i do hope you'll keep reading and give your comments on this. my cousin told me that wherever she goes, high and low she never gets enough of her sister. ..So do i.

when i first move to KL, of course i miss my home and everything, but nothing can make me cry. Nothing at all. I am a tough independent chick, missing my bed, my living room, car and everything was not so bad after all.
It was bloody awful though when i talk to my sister on the phone. Tears started flowing, i miss everything about her. I didnt realize how much i love her, until i was separated from her.

My cousin told me that i would understand her situation because that's exactly how i feel about my sister. She was with her sister for the past two days-every second, but the moment her sister step in to the Taxi to go back her place, she would cry; missing her so much already and not wanting to let go of her.

it's really hard to explain and describe what kind of relationship we have with our sister. I miss my mum yeah, but she doesn't know me as much as my sister does and most importantly understand me as much as my sis does. according to my cousin, her sister completes her in a way she doesn't realize it.

...they complete each other's sentences, internalized each other's body language, know what to expect, understand the weird problems they're facing, argues for the better, spits the harsh truths, forgives sincerely, repeats time to time, complaints for attention, push each other around, sing awfully together, dance like no one would understand, and gets on each other's nerves easily. isnt it obvious that all these tells you that she is completely herself when she is with her sister?

i couldnt help but missing my sister so much as for everything she said was absolutely true. my sister saw everything of me, from my skin(eheh) to my thoughts, absolutely no wall between us.
call it dangerous? i find it relieving founding someone i completely trust.
it is very different with other people. no matter how much friends she has and no matter how far i go, talking to our sister would be the perfect medicine for every 'sickness' we have.

she resembles everything; from my home, my sanity, my companion, my map, my lecturer, my future, my antidepressants and also my tranquilizers.

all i have to say is, sister to sister relationship is a very beautiful thing to me and i'm thankful it happen to me. it's such a blessing, and you can only tell it when you see me with her.

I guess it's the sister's nature to protect you from the world eventhough she is just fourteen (my sis is).
in conclusion, i love mummy and abang! haha. but it's my sister i cant live without. you know.

God's best gift to me after Mum & Abang, Jessica my sister!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

chasing is NOT good

so i dont talk about boys or my Luck with boys with anyone. Only my sister would know everything from what i like, what i dont, what i hate and what i want in boys. i guess she's the only that knows me best when it comes to Me in dealing with boys until this post. Now u know.

First things first i really like it when guys would chase after me and shower me with all his attention and care. I love it and i bet everyone does. But when i'm bored with it and discovered things about him that i dont like, i would slowly be cold towards him. In a way, i admit i am mean. screw being single forever (just KIDDING!), if boys finally know the real me, at least i have the guts to admit it. only the ones who liked me for me would still be there for me.

..i am mean. But only to boys who wants me. Isn't that weirdly true? I've had my heart broken so many times, that now, when i look for boys it would be the one i really2 know inside and out, you kno? i have wasted so much time, energy and money for my previous boyfriends who turnd out to be assholes eventually. okay wait, maybe it's me?

whatever it is, i have discovered the reasons why i do this; being mean to boys who like me:

a) i am only trying to find the One ( boyfriend of course not more than that).
b) it's better to be mean,it would be over fast and less painful.
c) it's always right for a girl to do that. Boys wander for other girls easily. Am i right? or am i right?
d) less time and energy consuming.

so i generalize and stereotype u boys out there, it's just most of you are the same, dont you agree? i have so many sexist female friends that i'm scared i would turn into one. but i am not. and i am sure i wont. i think.

if you dont agree with me, then why aren't you with the guy who really likes you last time but unfortunately he is not as rich and as handsome as the guy you're with now? or why aren't you with the girl that chases u up and down instead you're with an annoying pretty girl?

because we do REALITY check. it's an awful fact but it is true.

keep in mind however, never to chase for girls if you dont want to get your heart broken and gets awkward around each other later. Let us like you first. and then we'll see.

STOP CHASING and PLAY CHASING. it's two different thing.


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

i have a huge fear of cockroaches. okay, it's kinda lame but if u have a huge fear for heights and spiders it's kinda like the same thing. the thing is i have a new fear and it is much more greater and scarier and i guess more logic to be afraid of it than being scared of roaches...

it's death. yup. i kid u not.

i heard lots of people keep saying that they're afraid of deaths and before, i thought it was just ridiculous to be afraid of death, i mean it's gonna happen anyway so why bother?

...until now. i finally know how it feels like to be scared of death; being unable to see another day and unable to say the right things to the people u care the most anymore.

i've been having this fear since i move to KL and i dont know why. it's as if everything about here is not safe. not only that, my mum has made me a people phobia. she kept mentioning about crazy psycho stories and i know her intentions are good; so that i'll be cautious and never trust anyone but it's affecting my mind like crazy now! i am so scared of everything, anything i come across with. seriously!

what's in mind if you may ask? if this is the guy that will cause my death, if this is where it will be over, if this is the day, if anyone would help if anything happens, if this is the cause of my death.. and so on and so on. all the thought have non stop run through my head and it's killing me. the moment i wake up i'll think about it, before i sleep, when i eat and even when i'm studying in class. i am afraid of death very much, i bet no one could understand.

it's in my head every single second. i dont know how do i deal with this.
... i would not let this thing interrupt my studies, not even a bit however.

the first two days of this new semester was a crazy one for me, i couldnt stop thinking about my life and that day and yes, my fear of you-know-what. i find it very spooky to mention it often. dont u?

i'm finally trying to stop myself from thinking too much about this whole thing by today. you know, maybe i'm just abit exaggerating about the whole fear thing? maybe it's just one of those days that everything seems scary to you? and it seems like it's impossible not to think about it?

yeah. i'm scared until today and i'm guessing it wont fade away until never, no doubt, but it's time for me to move on and live while i can and enjoy while i can. i told myself, it's time to stop thinking about it too much.

if only i could explain it to you how i feel about this whole fear thing you probably wouldn't understand or get it either, it's something for you to experience it yourself then you'd understand. i cant wait to go to church/mass (serious!), it's the only place i feel safe and peaceful.

Note To God (and his gang of course): i love u guys and thanks for another awesome day :)


Monday, January 08, 2007

i felt like dropping my body on the bed the moment i stepped into my room. I was SO exhausted (until now)that i feel i could sleep for days! my feet is killing me, my head hurts, i'm hungry and my eyes blurring out i dont know why.

it must be because of this very tiring day. College can be so annoying sometimes.

I had to wake up at 6.15 in the morning (well, kinda early jugala kan), took my bath and left home at 6.50 around there to walk to the nearest lrt station. Okay, i was okay with the people in lrt. nothing much going on..

but the komuter??? man, i wish i could kick that very pervert guy's ass sitting next to me. he was looking at my cleavage and moved his body towards me! eeew!! i was so irritated that i made a disgusted face and a very annoyed body language.

But as usual, we all know perverts dont care if we make faces! so making him annoyed or hurt was a total waste of time and energy!! *7^(!

Felt tipsy all the time when i was in classes, must be because of i woke up early and it was not a usual thing during the holidays and i've got headache too. Herm... move on move on.

as soon as i finished class, i waited with Karen infront of college for the private bus.
since the driver does not know where's my place, i had to be almost the last person to be sent home. I didnt even know where were we until he stopped at one place nearby which looks familiar. he said he can only stopped there and asked me to walk back home.

i had to say yes to him because well, it wasnt really that far from my place anyway. i had to go to the nearest supermarket to buy raw food to cook tonight for dinner which means i had to walk around with my bag and the plastic bag. and i had to walk SOME more to go back home. damn. it's as if my whole energy is finished just for walking today.

reached home around 6pm. my heart tells me to just let my precious body be rested on that lovely bed of mine, but my head says no, take bath and cook and eat and then.. sleep.

...well, here i am wide awake.

Love + VERY VERY TIRED on the first day of college,

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I went to KLCC yesterday and thought that it would just be another boring day- there waiting almost an hour for my cousins. Until..

Me: *talking-talking-talking*
Cousin 1: *talking-talking-talking*

A security guard came to us..

SG1: erm adik-adik, boleh tak dok bagus-bagus? tak senonoh la, kedue, kawan i kirim salam. *smiling pevertly*

Me & cousin 1: *blur* oh okay.

Ps, we didn't spread our legs nor anything. i just menyandar man!

few minutes later..

The SG1 came again...

SG1: kawan i tak puas hati la.. die nak u guys tengok die juga. ah tu die.. kat atas sana.
so we looked up and just smile at him and said dah. and get back to our conversation.

minutes later another security guard came to us.

SG2: dik, boleh tak bagi fon number korang? die nak.

We looked at him and said no. of course not.

SG2: alar, dia ok tu. nak bekawan je.

We compromise with him and told the SG2 that instead of us giving our phone numbers, he give his to us, and say we'd call. BUT, of course we wont.

after a few minutes me and my cousin decided to walk away from the place as ALL the security guards were looking and smiling at us, it made us so uncomfortable.

We went to the toilet, and another security guard came chasing us then gave 2 phone numbers. I said yeah makasih just to please him and drop it in a trash bin nearby.

i thought we were over with that stupid thing when the GUARD who liked us so much himself came chasing us. It was so spooky. i was looking at stuffs in Guardian ( what a coincidence) when he came up to me and tried to strike a conversation with me.

the Guard: Shopping? while standing VERY near to me.
i was shocked, looked at him and walked away. i din even say anything. NO MAN SHOULD EVER DO THAT!

anyway, before that, another man (foreigner) came up to us. sitting very close to me with his head forwarded to me.

Foreigner 1: Are u busy?
Me: no?
Foreigner: NOW, you are busy.
Me: hah?
Foreigner: I would like to invite you.
Me: Where?
Foreigner: Want to come to my hotel?
i burst out laughing saying NO.
He got up and pretended he picked up a phone call. Boy, it wasnt even ringing.

the security guard thing i couldnt care less. The hotel guy? that's awful to the max. do i look like those who gives services??? EEEEEWWWW. imma smack that guy if i ever saw him again. okay, maybe not. i'm such a loser to do that.


Friday, January 05, 2007

after a whole lot of partying and clubbing last holiday and wasting time and chilling out and wasting money and more and more.. finally it's back to reality. i hate it when we have to go back to school for assignments and more assignments awaiting for us.

well, i guess none of u know that i just moved in with my cousins in Section 14 PJ. yeap, no longer staying in Redzuan Condo( the ONLY 5minutes drive to college). i chose to stay here instead of staying in Redzuan Condo because well, i have to go here every weekend too thus uses lots of money for transportation, plus it's more of a home to me here then anywhere else. all my cousins are staying here! ok, after decided to stay here, i have one major problem. i dont really have any Good Transportation to go to college. darn.

I tried asking for the Bus Service to Taylor's college, however, their pickup point is like a 20minutes walk from my place and they expect me to be there by 6.55 am. should i walk alone that early in the morning? plus the busfare is like RM160 per month regardless of how many times u take the bus in a week. Oh dear.

so i will try to do a trial run this coming week. i wont take any bus nor taxi but lrt and komuter.
This is really ridiculous and super hard but i pretty much dont have any choice. i have made my decision to stay here and i must be wise enough to figure out myself how to go to college.

So i will leave my house at 6.45/6.55 to the lrt station (asia Jaya) which is much more nearer than the Bus' Pickup point plus there'll be tons of people going my way which is the lrt station which means it's safer.. and then, i'll have to take the lrt to KL sentral and then from there to take the komuter to Setia Jaya (my college!). It's kinda like a transit in Sentral and i'm guessin it will take me an hour (thunder sounds) to reach college. i'm going to be so tired by the time i reach college huh.

Here's the calculation for using lrt and komuter.
+ RM3.30 times 2 (for back and forth from college)

Assuming i have classes every day: RM6.60 times 5 = RM33 times 4 week = RM132.

Okay, so it's few ringgits cheaper than the bus with a very stupid pick up point (they should have the service where they can pick u at house!) right? at least it's safer for me not to walk alone and plus, it's going to be jam anyway. haha.

i've made up my mind. LRT and Komuter it is. now what's left is, for me to pray to God that i'll be safe and wont be late for any classes. or pray so that all the classes starts at 12pm! hmm.. no?

then i'll stick with the first two. hehe.

Before you call me idiot and all the names in the world, i believe there's a blessing in disguise in this whole thing ( i sure hope i meet nice men in lrt) haha! jus kidding. till then, i will try my very best to reach college ON TIME and if that doesnt work i MUST take the cab. shet!

Love + and still the very optimistic,

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

every single year i would remind myself not to make any new year's resolutions. and every single year i felt like making one. or two. or... more. or maybe some more. while kinda no exception this year. *giggles*

okay, i did pretty well with my last year's resolutions. i manage to get some of my last year's resolutions done and stick to it. i was pretty much satisfied with everything happened last year but of course not all of itla.

This year's resolutions:

a) STUDIES. nothing else comes first than my studies this year.
b) less SHOPPING.
c) keep my friends close and ignore the enemies. Like totally!
d) make more friends. make big connection, it's always helpful!
e) lie only when necessary. *cough-cough*
f) take care of my Body, keep healthy.
g) keep my mouth SHUT if there's nothing GOOD to say.
h) less gossiping.
i) choose the chances given and grab them, never to grab all.
j) have fun living!

okay so i made tons of resolutions this year, and i'm guessing i can only manage to keep one or maybe none of the resolutions. somehow most of these resolutions were the same ones with last year's. well, at least i make an effort right? i'm trying to be a better person here people.

i'm serious! *giggles*

Love, Jacqkie.

Monday, January 01, 2007

the new year's celebration.

last night was the best new year's celebration ever!

before u start visualizing me dancing, drinking and socialising like mad with tons's
of people's phone numbers and getting drunk and tipsy and get hangover for a
great new year's celebration, nope, not that kinda party i enjoyed last night.
It was the family-friends gathering type of party.

some of you might know that i love my family very much. But i guess only a handful of you know that i LOVE THEM VERY VERY much. basically everything i do is for them, my studies, my work, my life... everything..

we all had to sing during that party. you know karaoke kinda thingy. my sister was so convinced that she is not ever going to sing in public, not ever in her lifetime and same goes that night. she turned all of us down every year. but not this year.

well, she has always been the quiet and keep it to the low type of girl and she told me that it
has never been a problem for me and i wouldnt understand her situation beacause i am always the one with the good voice, the performer, the brave one, the charmer,the one that loves everyone and be loved by everyone just like that.

i was surprised to know that she thinks that way, but in a way it was true. i have no problems being spontaneous. it strucked me however when she said that so i decided to prove everyone wrong including her.

for others and me it would be like "alar, just singla.. nothing happend oso, have fun!" right?
not for my sister though.

i was convincing my sister that it's time to face her fear. and she was soooooo very hard to be talked over doing it but eventually she said yes.

i had to be harsh to her and i felt kinda guilty for doing that. but she knew i was right. if she doesnt break out of her shell that night when will she ever be?

i gave her words of encouragements and told her, if she would freak out she could just look at me and take deep breaths. i told her that i would hold her hand if necessary and that i'd be next to her if she's scared and before i knew it, her name was called.

only my mum and i can tell that she was scared. really-really scared. imagine you were on her shoes; she had never ever sang in front of everyone, not even in karaokes, the only time she sings is when she's with me or mum in the shower or in the kitchen or in the living room.

for 14 years of her life, that night was the first time ever she would sing infront of people.

she was trembling at first, she looked at me and smile and started singing gracefully.
she looked confident (but boy was she not!) and that's all that matters. her voice was so sweet and seeing her singing infront of us was one the most beautiful moment ever in my life.
i thought i would never see that and i was proud of her more than ever that night.

she sang Dido's Thank You because she loves that song and she even said personally to me she dedicated the song to me. i was touched to know that but somehow i thought that song was more from me to her than from her to me. because of her, my bad days turn to nice days. because of her, bad things turn to better. because of her, i'm a better person and i change things for her sake.

it meant alot to me and no one knows that except for me.

after she sang, i went and gave her a big bearhug and told her i was so proud of her. she was in an i-dont-understand-what-just-happend mode, and i gave her the time to process what had happened.*giggles*

seconds later, she smiled and looked at me and told me that she was happy she had one fear knocked-down that year. it was all because of me and she thanked me for being by her side all that time.

at the end of the night, winners for the karaoke competition were announced. i won 2nd place for adults. and my sister won 2nd place for 17yrs and below.
she was so surprised herself!

hey, that was amazing for someone who had never sang infront of people before right?